Cramer Cafe

a few slides

2010-10-21T23:01:00.002-06:00

forbidden fruit

2010-10-21T22:38:00.002-06:00

i love this picture for so many reasons...

one, the whole world is in her eyes

two, we are on our favorite front porch swing

and three...

we stole that divine plum from our neighbors forbidden fruit tree.

i only steal one or two...promise.

(the rest i ask for)

a front view

2010-10-18T21:54:00.000-06:00

for you hays...i love you.

baby girl

2010-07-02T02:16:00.002-06:00

i love that she's always crossing her legs.

while she eats

and while she sleeps.

uh oh!

2010-06-25T00:03:00.002-06:00

yes, she is 10!

happy birthday my little lulu
we made a multilayer stage of mattresses in the studio
had makeovers...thanks allie, jen, marta and juby!
and then filmed these rockstars singing to their favorite tunes...
someday I'll figure out the posting of videos, but until then at least I have footage right.
it's pretty funny stuff...because allie and jen and i are amazing rockstars ourselves.
it was actually just what i needed...a crazy girl party.
and yes...i know all the words to their songs...go taylor swift and miley!

on the brighter side

2010-06-23T23:34:00.003-06:00

this was mother's day it was a long night.
but a brilliant morning.

hollow night

2010-06-17T00:23:00.004-06:00

I am sad. and sometimes scared.
being alone is hard. but sharing it is harder.

people say..."you look so great. doesn't look like you had a baby."

and I say..."ya, thanks. it's a trade off since I get postpartum depression."

I don't think anyone knows what I'm talking about.

and that's ok...I'd rather you didn't.

laundry

2010-05-11T01:19:00.004-06:00

you know when you get a load out of the dryer...a really really big load. and you are determined to get all the clothes at once so you scoop them all up and head into the other room...trailing socks and underwear along the way...

well, that's me right now.
and i want to thank those of you that are coming along behind me and picking up the pieces...because i'm falling apart...trailing socks and underwear along the way...

thank you for helping me with my house. my kids. my dancers.
my life.
my very very big life right now. it's a bit much for me.
but worth it.

i keep thinking things will be simpler after the wizard of oz is over.
but then i remember...laundry is never over.

Ruby Caroline

2010-05-09T00:59:00.000-06:00

Emily's Baptism

2010-05-09T00:58:00.002-06:00

our favorite time

2010-05-09T00:23:00.002-06:00

yes

2010-04-18T22:55:00.003-06:00

Yes. I had a baby.
Yes. She is perfect.
Yes. I am breathing.
Yes. I am engulfed in postpartum chaos.

39 weeks

2010-03-30T08:43:00.002-06:00

really? this is new.
i wasn't expecting to raise my glass to this week.
but here it is....
so here's to castor oil...fill your glass...Cheers!

i'm kidding. no oil for me. just trust and courage.
so here's to trust and courage.

so very soon

2010-03-22T18:20:00.003-06:00

well...it's March 22nd.
and no baby yet.

i'm currently dilated to 3cm and mostly effaced.
so we'll see.

it's time to turn it over to nature and watch the process unfold in it's own time.
maybe she's wants a diamond birthstone like her sister.

one way or the other...she's coming so very soon.
and i'm starting to treasure these last pregnant days.
bodies are so amazing!

ready

2010-03-16T00:14:00.002-06:00

no...i can't sleep.
i would say i've been tossing and turning for the past three hours
but it's more like flumping and flopping around.
i feel like a hippo.
every movement involves leverage and multiple limbs.
and little miss ruby doesn't help by rummaging around in there.
maybe she feels like a hippo too.
a squished up one.

i want her to come.
if she's ready.

and i'm pretty darn sure she's ready. so come already!

while i was flumping around in my bed i started thinking about labor.
visualizing thru the contractions that i inevitably have every night until 4am.
and i was thinking about fear and the unknown.

i think that's what our culture breeds...fear. and in all honesty. i'm not scared of labor. it's not some torturous thing...it's only scary if you don't understand the process of it. it is the unknown that scares us. i use to be scared of electricity that way. i was terrified to mess with an outlet. then i wired my entire studio...and it's really quite simple. same thing with plumbing. but looking under the hood of my car always intimidates me. i know nothing about it. until recently, if i thought of jump starting another car by myself...i'm sure i would blow something up and someone would surely lose an arm or leg. so in these random thoughts...i thought of labor and pain, and how if we don't know anything about it, we can be pretty scared.

needless to say, i'm not scared to have this baby.

it's funny to think back...i remember waking up right after i delivered lynzee and still being terrified of labor. i had spent so many months freaking out over what if's and could happens, that after she came i was still scared.

then i passed a kidney stone a week after she was born.
then another kidney stone at home a while later.
then i had another natural birth.
and two more kidney stones.
and passed my miscarriage at home.
...now...not so scared of natural pain and the process it takes.

it's the unnatural pain that actually scares me. i'm terrified of interfering with the process and the complications it can create. i didn't react well to the pain medication during my first kidney stone at the hospital. i don't like feeling doped up and still have the pain. i need to have my head clear to deal with pain. to work with it. to remember that it is temporary.

anyways...those are my thoughts nearing 1am...as i wonder when i will get to hold this baby that kicks my ribs and rams her head into my cervix all night.

she's got to be ready.

countdown

2010-03-12T20:51:00.004-07:00

37 weeks...

i love my new ruby slippers :)

on the way to the talent show...

the girls did the jitterbug dance they made up themselves

at some point i'll figure out how to put videos on here...

until then...here's a photo

strepB

2010-03-10T12:00:00.003-07:00

let's talk about strepB
because it's causing a great turbulence in my mind
and i'm losing sleep over it.

for the past two days i've been reading online medical journals and opinions.
i just need a place to talk it out...so this is mostly for me.
but if you are interested...by all means read on.

so here's the facts:
strepB is a normal healthy bacteria that grows in your lower intestine. in all of us. it can spread to the vagina...and often does in pregnancy. 1 in 3 pregnant women test positive for this bacteria. that's 30%...that's a lot of us. the trick figure is that just less than 1% of these positive women pass it to their infants, who can become infected, usually with sepsis (infection of the blood). that's not a high percentage, but yes, it is a serious infection. so the Center of Disease Control here in the USA has a mandate prevention. It's quite aggressive in my opinion...as every pregnant woman must be tested and every positive woman must have two doses of antibiotics two hours apart thru an iv during labor. one of those doses needs to be a few hours before delivery...and it takes at least 30 min per dose. (that means during transition.) this all started in 1995...so really we don't know how this affects the immune systems of these babies yet.

however, interestingly enough, although the infections in the newborns have decreased, the immunity to penicillin and later infection of strepB has increased significantly.
hum.

instinctively...this feels wrong to me.

to kill off ALL bacteria, good and bad, before the baby passes thru the birth canal...has other implications. i think the bacteria is there for a reason...and i don't think a baby should be flushed with penicillin while in labor...or the mom. and if you can tell within 12-24 hours if the baby has an onset infection...why not treat the baby then?

or better yet...test all the moms at 35 weeks. if they test positive put them on a probiotic and vitamin C and zinc...then test them at 37 weeks...after all, it is a transient bacteria. it doesn't stay. that's why they test it so close to delivery, so they can guesstimate if you might have the bacteria during labor. and just because you have the bacteria doesn't mean you actually have a strepB infection.

i'm just bugged that i don't have a choice.

i think more research needs done before we mandate this throughout our entire nation. it feels like the only choice i have is to not make it to the hospital in time...but i really don't feel like delivering in the lobby. I would just like to talk about this. because i don't feel right about it. what if the penicillin makes my blood pressure rise...or the babies...and we end up in a c-section? what if it messes with my contractions or dilation? what if i have an allergic reaction? i don't want to be hooked up to an iv during transition...it makes a natural delivery quite difficult.

so i'm frustrated. and even though it shouldn't be such a big deal.
it feels huge to me right now. it caught me off guard.
and i don't like being told i have no choice.
none of us like to feel stuck.

i think my mother tiger instincts are kicking in.

prego picture

2010-03-07T21:39:00.002-07:00

look what brittney sent me!

(taken feb 13th in tabiona utah)

i'm going to see the midwife tomorrow...

let's hope for some progress.

cheers to completing 36 weeks...

cheers to full term!

Truth. Faithfulness. Honesty.

2010-02-25T20:52:00.004-07:00

for christmas i wanted a hand stamped necklace.

i wanted it to be small, gold and silver, and symbolic as well as sentimental.

so i found a creator on etsy and here it is.

my little dancers love for me to show them the secret hidden behind my heart.

Reuben is my everything. now more than ever.

show and tell

2010-02-25T20:20:00.008-07:00

the icy pink oh-my ruffle cupcake dress

i saw it from a distance and ran down the isle...yes it feels as sweet at it looks.

couldn't resist the pandas...which have become emi's find.

Lynzee has claimed lambs since her birth...she LOVES lambs!

so naturally Ruby will have quite a collection from her sister.

now here's some newborn essentials...

gowns are my favorite

that's it for now...actually there are tons more clothes in her drawers from grammy and from "the collection" that went thru my two girls and my sisters two girls...survival of the fittest clothes. (yes it is true that gymboree clothes tend to outlast the others)

So I'm feeling the need to pack for the hospital...

as of last monday I am 50% effaced and just a little dialated still.

so no real rush.

she's stayin in there for at least a couple weeks for sure.

cheers to 35 weeks!

34 weeks

2010-02-18T19:59:00.006-07:00

i count down my weeks in dance classes.

so come thursday night as i finish my 9th class of the week...if i'm not in labor

then i praise myself for surviving another week.

so tonight is 34 weeks.

cheers!

by the way...the baby has dropped significantly. she's head down.

i keep reminding her that the timer has not gone off yet.

at least 4 more weeks my darling...4 more weeks.

we'll see.

lynz was 14 days early. emi was 19 days early.

this next week starts my 4 week countdown.

tiff and tausha are taking over the afternoon classes so i will only have my 5 morning classes to teach...they are the youngest dancers. you would think it would be easier to teach them, but it's not. they are my hardest classes because i cannot just tell them what to do...i must show them. full out. if i hold my belly while i gallop around the room or pretend to jump half way...they imitate me perfectly. we are a bunch of pregnant ballerinas. and there is a lot more hopping and jumping and bending and twisting and holding little girls and picking them up. but it's in the morning when i feel my best...and the girls don't seem to notice any difference in me yet...although i get frustrated that i'm limited in the movement we can do together. i can no longer pick them up in their frozen shapes and twirl them around.

in 4 weeks i'm closing the studio for a 3 week spring break.

3 weeks to have this darling baby...and heal.

i know that's not much time, and i'm assuming the best labor and recovery, but it's all i can do to ensure these girls can have a spring performance.

after our break, we will have 6 weeks to prepare for The Wizard of Oz.

i can't tell you enough how grateful i am for tiff and tausha.

neither of them read this blog...but i must tell you how amazing they are

and how amazing it feels to have them.

so the girls can continue to dance...

even when i cannot dance with them.

so...cheers!

to 34 weeks

and counting.

by the way...reuben ordered me a battery charger for my camera.

from china. yes. china.

he insisted on ordering from ebay and assured me it would arrive in 7 days.

we'll see.

love you

2010-02-16T11:39:00.002-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

xoxo

when i told my brother i didn't make one card this year

he said "that doesn't sound like you"

and he's right.

the thing is...i tried.

but sitting in a hard chair, or bent over on the floor, cutting and pasting tiny things...is not really fun for a pregnant lady who gets contractions easily.

and yet, Valentine's day happened without my cards.

without much preparation either

because love is very abundant in my life.

i felt loved.

i loved.

and i wish you love as well.

(if you need any love just stop by my studio and i promise you tiny hugs that will warm the numbest heart on the coldest of days)

RN

2010-02-10T22:08:00.003-07:00

Reu passed his nursing boards!!!

it's been quite the journey...and finally this door is open.

(and yes it is green for a reason)

oh happy night!

to do

2010-02-10T12:09:00.004-07:00

i think i only have one photo of me this pregnancy.
shameful i know.

so to do today:
find the charger for my camera battery...
so i can take a picture of my 32 week old belly.

and it would be super duper nice to find that gift card
to red lobster from my brother.
i'm craving king crab legs with melted butter and fresh lemon.

for my girls

2010-02-05T08:39:00.003-07:00

because every day this is what i try to be about
for all the girls that enter my studio
especially for my daughters.
write your life my darling Lynzee...with beautiful movement
Emi, my fire, shine your inner light. and when you feel it has dimmed
remember...there is part of me in you. and we are fierce.

and i love you this much.

and my dear Ruby...tumbling in my womb...this is what it is all about.

so not fair

2010-02-03T12:39:00.004-07:00

my legs were attacked last night...it was brutal.

there i was sleeping peacefully, which is no easy feat.
and then it happened
did you know the inside of your thigh can cramp up?
well it can.

and it's mean!
then my calf muscle joined in...right down to the arch of my foot.

and tell me...how do you stretch out all three of those muscles?
flex foot, straiten leg...and now what about this vicious inner thigh muscle?
that would require the splits.

so...that's how i slept all night.

my foot flexed up against the wall with a straight leg stretched up to my ear....all between my nightly hard contractions. so not fair. i'm trying to load up on water and salt today...so that never ever happens again.

i remember...

2010-01-29T12:03:00.006-07:00

those first few magical weeks.

and this time...i know how fast it will go away

(emily...a few days old...or maybe a month...i can't remember some things)

i'm so excited.

even for the sleepless nights and the lung developing cries.

not so much the diapers...but that's ok.

and this time...i have my two side kicks that may be more excited than me.

emi is obsessed with becoming a good big sister.

lynz has suddenly started playing with her doll again.

we squeal together over tiny socks and ruffles of any sort.

it's hard to imagine the relationship i would have with these two girls

way back then...how did they grow up so fast?

(me with my babies back in april 2002)

a little tint please.

2010-01-22T09:45:00.004-07:00

I told her all I see is bare black branches
scratching at a slate sky...and I used the alliteration on purpose.
She said...with all my creativity I should be able to see something different.
different?...hum...

so maybe these forbearing snow covered mountains
could be protective and stable?...not claustrophobic.

i'm not sure about that.
and perhaps the naked trees are beautiful shapes reaching for the sky.

i think they prefer less exposure personally.

and the sky

the white blank sheet of sky...can i see anything there?
it does make me want to paint with warm colors.

orange. turquoise. greens. and that lovely salmon color.

i think i need some sunglasses for some tint.

i'm trying. honest.

but really...january is such a survival month for me.
and i truly think we should all sleep with the leaves.
what was that wind yesterday too?

heavens that was unfriendly.

not so quick

2010-01-13T12:42:00.004-07:00

after 4 hours in the hospital...
i'm wondering why my doctor could not do this simple test during our appointment
seems dr.j had the nifty little kit to check for fluid.
really? do i have to answer 500 questions and be admitted for this.

so the nurse admitting me asks the next question...
"do you learn better by verbal description or demonstration?"
and i'm thinking...hum...really?
do you ask this question to women when they are in labor?
hum...please demonstrate my delivery, go ahead.

are you going to demonstrate this internal exam for me?
yes, i would like to see my doctor demonstrate what this feels like...
what a splendid idea.
let's see if he is up for it.
oh...that's right, he didn't want to check at his office so let's send her over to labor and delivery for the 2 min. test. nevermind the protocol and hoops we must therefore jump thru.

and while i'm at it why don't i pour 2 tbs. of water down his pants
and he can tell me if that is adequate leakage to want to change.

so i'm waiting...and waiting...
the first test took a second, quick swab...doesn't turn blue. good to go.
great. i'm ready to go home.
oh but you can't!
there is this thing called discharging.
which means waiting for the doctor.
which doctor? i mean i have seven after all.
call down to the office, ask the one that sent me.
nope.
the one at the hospital...yes, the one delivering babies.
oh ok. i'll wait. and wait. and wait.
so we might as well do another test just to make sure.
good to go.
nope. a few hours later let's also do an expensive sonogram with a bratty lady who asks
"why are you here?"
she's irritated that it's after five and i'm obviously fine.
i'm thinking the same thing.

me and mr.thorpe are going to have a little talk in a few weeks.
that was a bit ridiculous.

my favorite part was the fact they have to monitor the baby the whole time...which is difficult with a 2 lb dolphin girl who won't stay still...after all, didn't i mention, i had to drink that glucose drink for the earlier appointment. so i'm sick to my stomach and the babies practicing her ninja skills...oh and "we're not sure if you can eat or drink anything." are you kidding!

checking in

2010-01-11T00:58:00.002-07:00

it's past midnight...of course...

and i hop around checking in...

i've been thinking about cloth diapers like hays and wonder if i have any hippie in me or just that bit of gypsy that wanders. i wear leather bracelets so would that count? i should do a post about those magic jonny bracelets...but then you would all want one and it would stress me out.

dance begins tomorrow morning and i am excited and nervous.

i miss my little dancers and all their hugs.

i'm excited for them to see my belly because they will tell me it is huge.

(all the moms tell me i'm so small...and i get no sympathy for any discomfort.)

little girls are full of sympathy :)

i'm just a little nervous about these contractions that fill my days.

the doctor says it's fine.

this is my 5th pregnancy and 3rd child...braxton hicks can start early.

although i thought 21 weeks was pretty early for taking my breath away.

it's exhausting me and a bit frustrating because it slows me down.

i have a doctor appointment tomorrow too.

i'm worried i'm leaking.

promise...i know the difference and i'm not peeing my pants.

they will likely say i'm fine again...but what if...

what if the contractions are dilating me a bit and i am leaking?

i'm 28 weeks and i'm starting my 10 week countdown to the baby.

i'm fairly confident she will enter the world at 38 weeks like her sisters.

or sooner.

but we shall see.

we went shopping for her...

she has hot pink newborn jammies with panda bear footsies that scream

"my big sister is emi"

and she has the softest brightest polka-dot blankie with a lamb on it

that means "lynzee loves me"

i am still wondering how my girls found hot pink in the newborn isle.

this time is going to be so different.

i swear this little being inside of me recognizes the voices of her sisters.

their reading voices...and laughing silly voices...and yelling fighting voices too.

she moves for them.

like she's been watching and waiting to be with them.

i'm not sure that is possible at this point...but it's a sweet thought.

it's almost 1am.

bedtime.

here I am

2009-11-20T08:45:00.005-07:00

So it's been six months...

when i come here to write...i am empty, or too full.

but today...my sister sent me this picture, and i want to write.

some of you know i have a private blog...very uncensored to the workings of my mind and heart. i have rarely written anything over the past few months. i have missed writing, but it tends to evoke too much emotion...and it makes me realize how fragile i am inside.

how scared.

I've learned a little over the past 6 months...in my silent listening.

like i'm really not in charge of things. and life doesn't go as planned.

i've learned to hold onto my husband closer, and tighter.

and i've learned a lot about letting go.

of expectations. assumptions. control.

I don't want it to sound like I've had a terrible 6 months,

because it's been wonderful. but hard.

this miscarriage was harder than i thought...and continues to affect me. my sister's graduation was harder. the family reunion was harder. going to south carolina was harder. dance has been harder. reuben's last semester of nursing school has been harder.

all good, but hard.

and i think i know why... after my miscarriage i became really numb. detached. in letting go of the baby, i let go of others.

and although it served it's survival purpose...it makes things harder.

but i have needed to focus these past few months.

in south carolina i realized i was pregnant again.

i felt guilty for not being happy and excited.

i cried a lot at night, when i should've been praying.

i wrote a lot back then, but posted nothing.

then my words stopped.

i went off my medicine as soon as my intuition was confirmed.

it took me four days to tell reuben i was pregnant.

it took us 16 weeks, and 2 heartbeats to tell the girls.

i was detached. anxious. protective. defensive.

being off my medicine is a big deal for me. i've had to simplify my mind. sometimes that means being quiet. sometimes too quiet. and even though i am still somewhat disconnected...i want to open up a little today and tell you...

10 days ago...my reuben, lynzee and emi huddled around an ultrasound.

we heard a beating heart and saw a healthy growing body.

and a complete face...reuben squeezed my foot at this sight.

[my medication causes cleft lip and palette. to see perfect lips never meant so much before.]

I was excited for the girls to see their little brother.

I was sure we were being sent a prepackaged crazy bundle of testosterone

to keep us grounded during this next season of hormonal drama girls.

but I was wrong.

We saw a perfectly healthy baby...girl!

it's another step in learning that I'm not in charge.

of a lot of things.

Wizard of Oz...May 22

2009-07-22T14:52:00.007-06:00

Yes, it's late coming...and yes, it will be followed by a plethera of photo albums from my sister's graduation, my month long trip to South Carolina and the recent Hyde family reunion last weekend...but first things first.

Off to see the Wizard...and it was a wonderful Wizard of Oz!

and here are some albums of my classes...each of these girls is truly a joy in my life.

yes, that was over 220 photos...and did you see that backdrop!
My dear Reuben, Colby & Ashley, Amy Gabbitas, Maren and Jen and mostly Amy Richen helped me paint that in less than a week...plus three other side backdrops!

Here's to long nights and early mornings...
Here's to sweeping glitter and gluegun burns...
Here's to cutting music and long phone calls for costumes...
Here's to the support of so many that love me...
Here's to the support I have for these tiny girls...
and here's to the moms...
Cheers!

Queen for a Day

2009-05-26T01:02:00.000-06:00

I'm late posting Emi's birthday...she was Queen for the Day.

and of course what is a queen without a real crown.

she got her favorite breakfast in bed...and her loyal subjects took their bears to build-a-bear for a makeover. then we took some kiddie kandid pictures and went swimming at the cool indoor aquatics center...I was very grateful to have my sister there...that's when the miscarriage started so the pictures stop there.

it was ironic to celebrate birth and loss during the same day...i'm very grateful for my emi. this miscarriage has been hard for her. even tonight while we were shopping she said, when i see little baby clothes it makes me feel very sad mom. i feel it too.

when we discovered there was no heartbeat she cried a lot and said she really wanted to hold a baby. i told her our neighbor katie had a tiny newborn and i bet she could hold her. i could see katie on her porch. as i walked with emi down the sidewalk i hollored out...can emi hold your baby. my throat caught with the word "your" and i didn't say much more. i didn't hold the baby, but i touched her tiny head and that thick dark hair felt like silk. emi held her for a while and then ran off to play. since then she told me "it is different mom to hold other peoples babies"...as if i didn't know.

so...i'll tell you about the performance next...i need to finish the slideshow.

it really was a great experience.

ode to the sun

2009-05-26T01:01:00.001-06:00

(from my personal and private files...)

today i woke up to find it was suddenly summer.

no more school. no more dance. and the roses bloomed early.

i've decided to postpone my trip to fallon so i can sit on my swing and remember why i live among these gigantic green mountains that turn pink at precisely 9 at night.

i woke up this morning to find my house framed in arching roses.

and mr. darby had exploded into at least ten heavy blossoms that smell like lemon starbursts.

true.

and my peony out back was full of large fluffy very bright flowers.

I sat on my front porch swing today.

I played with my family in the grass.

I took the girls out to terabithia...my tree

and although she is still surrounded by the high water of the river...she was beautiful.

this was my third time to see her this spring.

a while ago...on a hard day i went. she was submerged in the river. when i saw how unreachable she was...it affected me deeply. i sat on the bank and looked at her root system in the water and wondered how she had survived such a great fall. she still reached out over that river with all these new branches sprouting upward. yet she was her own island. I felt unreachable that day too...I wanted to feel alive like her...so I waded out thru the freezing water and sat on her lap of a trunk...my legs were red and numb. i wanted to be numb too. i wanted to stop hurting. to stop feeling so angry. i wanted to feel strong and supported and supportive. i didn't climb thru her. i just sat and tried to still my mind for a few hours...i watched the twisted current around her...until i could feel my legs and then i waded back to the trail and walked barefoot on that hot paved trail back to my car...

today...she was extra isolated because of the heavy rains all night long...and i stood on the bank with emi and stared at her. emi said, "you know mom we could still get to her." obviously she had been figuring it out in her mind...just like i did a while back. she explained how to get to her...and she was right.

terabithia was indeed reachable.

"but let's leave her alone. and come back when the water is lower"

came the realistic conclusion and off we went on our bikes...emi is right.

it just takes time, and some sunshine...and water will subside.

from the private blog...

2009-05-26T01:00:00.000-06:00

her name is terabithia...it's time to go see how she braved the winter

and to sit in her roots and breathe in her green. there is something very healing about the color green and the sound of water.

there is another tree nearby. it does not belong to me. it belongs to everyone.

and there is a very high swing...where one can practice...

how to fly and the art of letting go

either way it takes your breath away.

and then you sit in the uprooted roots of Bithia...and breathe green.

air can be green...when it is alive with growth. movement. water.

it's like the yellow sun absorbs the water and sky and somehow

fills the air with green...and it filters in the houses

yes. green is a good color. and it's back.

from the private blog...

2009-05-26T00:50:00.002-06:00

I held Emi today as they gave her a stinging shot and put her under for her dental work. When she was coming out of it she couldn't open her eyes and the nurse was trying to wake her up...she was trying to get her to nod. or react in some way. she put a cold ice pop on her tummy and asked her if she could take it off. Emi didn't budge. I started talking to her asking her if she wanted to go home...she was out cold. or so it seemed. Then the nurse asked her...do you know where your mommy is? and with all her energy my emi flung her arm around my head and neck. I kept whispering in her ear...say "mom" and they will let us go home but you have to use your words. Somewhere inside that drugged little body came very slowly 'mom'...and we went home.

(for the next five hours she threw up and shook and cried in delirium...there is a youtube video of a little boy in the car from a dentist appointment and he screams and talks nonsense...i use to think it was funny, but not anymore.)

When we got home there was a note on the door that Lynz made before her ride picked her up for school...we had to leave before her. Emi was still half dead and was so upset that her eyes weren't working and she couldn't read it and she couldn't see anything right. But the note meant a lot to me. Despite the fighting and fits...there is actually a lot of love in this little house.

I held Lynzee too, she was a train wreck today...she asked to be held...and around 6:30pm she fell asleep in my arms in the rocking chair I bought when I was pregnant with her...I use to rock them every night and measure their bodies as they lay across me...I remember when Lynzee's legs were long enough that they fell over the arm of the chair...

I haven't taken time to hold them for a while.

it hurts. i'm not sure why it hurts so much...but it also heals.

everyone needs to be held...and everyone needs to do some holding.

no heartbeat

2009-04-29T22:16:00.005-06:00

actually...there was one. mine. and that's pretty important.

So it's time to tell you about the miscarriage...
let me read you a letter...and tell you a story...or two.

"Hello parents,
I'm afraid I have some sad news, but I'm determined to turn it into a learning experience. I began having some difficulties with my pregnancy this past week and on Wednesday had to get my first substitute for dance class (thank you Rachelle!) so I could go in for a dr. appoinment. We could not find the heartbeat and a later ultrasound confirmed that I was in the early stages of a miscarriage. Gratefully the miscarriage completed itself yesterday (this past Saturday), although I am tired I would like to continue with our dance classes this week.

I want you to know how I am going to present this news to them. I will talk to them in the middle of class so all the dancers are there and they still have time to dance after the news...I'm hoping they can process it thru movement. I'm not worried about the children under 5yrs, some of the 3 yr olds still tell me they are growing a baby too, and their concept of when a baby comes is very vague.

But the after school classes...although they are resilient, it's going to stick with them a bit. I want to talk to the girls about how our bodies are amazing creations and forming a baby is a miracle...and it is also a miracle that our body knows what to do when things aren't forming right. Tell them how blessed I am that my body recognized right away that something was wrong and stopped it. Tell them how wonderful it is to have each of them with their perfect beautiful bodies that can do so much. Focus on the miracles that they are. I want them to know it is ok to be sad, that it is a sad thing, but it is also a blessing. "Imagine if I told my husband to paint the studio pink and I meant the inside, but he started painting the outside walls and on the windows...we would need to stop him right away. we would say "stop, that's not right" then we would need to clean it up and start over. I am very blessed and lucky that my body said "stop, that's not right."

now here is the story...it happened yesterday...in dance class.

with these 7 girls...plus 5 more [yes, it's a big class.]

Ten little familiar faces line up against the wall, listening to my every word as I tell them what we will be doing at barre today "two demi plies. one grande. releve. balance..."and little Maddie comes in a little late with a bouquet of flowers and a huge bag of cinnamon bears (i love those)...she doesn't say anything. she gives me her sweet smile and takes her place at the barre. I try to go on...and in comes Miranda with a big envelope...handwritten "I am sorry you lost your baby" and she holds on to me tight. I was undone. Every girl left her spot at the barre and surrounded me...almost knocked me over actually.

It's pretty amazing...children know how to wrap you up and make it all better. They don't need to know if it is their job.
They just follow how they feel.
Somewhere along the way, they learn how to be guarded and hold back...
fear I suppose. of rejection perhaps. they reach out at one point and are turned away...so they stop reaching.

I reminded them how amazing and beautiful our bodies are. I reminded them of the light that spreads thru our heart and out our fingers and all the way thru our pointed toes. I told them that it was a miracle to create a body inside of us...it is amazing because we don't tell it what to do. Our body just knows. And our body knows when it's not going right and it stops it. I told them that I was not going to have a baby right now. that it is sad. but it's ok. Miranda raises her hand and I let her tell the kids about her little brother Adam that could not breathe when he was born and died. Suddenly, every hand went up. Everyone had a loss. Alexa actually said it Allie...she raised her hand and said "my grandpa died Miss Amber and I was sad too." She knew she was not alone. We were together. Everyone had been touched with death. I wasn't meaning to go there, but soon everyone was hugging everyone else. no tears. but smiles.

We all needed to be held. just a little bit. and then we danced.

that, my friends, is called...'mourning with those that mourn'

moments like this make my studio sacred. you can feel it.
it is a safe place.

It has never been about the dance steps...It is always about the experience.

When I built this place I said I wanted it to be "a safe place for expression".

A place where these girls would learn about their bodies...

where they would love themselves and learn to love the differences of others.

It would be a place where they would teach each other more than I could teach them.

Where they would learn to deal with every emotion...I didn't realize what I was creating.

But it has happened. It has become bigger than myself...a creation of its own.

It is invisible to the eye...but you can feel it.

There was a point in the miscarriage, at the end, when I finally got to lay down on my bed...and my big sister Brittney came and laid next to me. I saw The Little Prince by my bed and I read to her...about the rose garden. and the fox. and being responsible for what we tame. how it is the time we devote that makes each other so important. I have devoted a lot of time to these girls...almost every week [besides summers] for four years...they have come and danced with me. I have held them when they fall down or just bonk into each other...and also when their parents get divorced and they don't know who is coming to pick them up.

It is the time you devote to taking care of someone...listening to them, yes, even sitting and watching them...just being there...that's what establishes such a strong tie between people. Antoine De Saint-Exupery is right, it takes time...and it is the only way we understand anything at all. We only understand what we have tamed.

And I have spent a great deal of my time taming children...

and being tamed by them.

I know most of you will not go out and read this book...

so I'll do you the favor of posting this part.

THE LITTLE PRINCE, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

2009-04-29T22:15:00.000-06:00

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed." "Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince. But, after some thought, he added:
"What does that mean...'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"To me, you are nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince.
"There is a flower . . . I think that she has tamed me . . . "

"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."
"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.
The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.
"On another planet?"
"Yes."
"Are there hunters on that planet?"
"No."
"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"
"No."
"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.
But he came back to his idea.

"My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . . "

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please! tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time.
I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox.

So The Little Prince tamed the fox.
And when the hour of his departure drew near . . .
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm;
but you wanted me to tame you . . ."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back and say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The Little Prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarrassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you. But in herself alone she is more than all the hundreds of you other roses; because it is she that I have watered; because it is she I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies): because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing.
Because she is my rose."

And then he went back to meet the fox.
Goodbye," he said.
Goodbye," said the fox.
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated,
so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have devoted to your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have devoted to my rose" said the little prince,
so that he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it.
You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
You are responsible for your rose . . ."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated,
so that he would be sure to remember.

the bunny brought bubbles

2009-04-20T19:42:00.008-06:00

Easter is about dresses and eggs and lots of chocolate and kites and golf
and bubbles and green grass and oh yes...all about hope.

i'm not really a fan of the bunny.
i'm not sure what it's purpose is . . . and it's nice to get credit for the basket and goodies. i really wanted church to be about the resurrection . . . or the atonement . . . and i tried really hard not to be so bothered when they talked about provident living.

when i went to nursery. . . shauna brought out her magic toys and somehow came up with a cave with a stone that rolled in front. the twelve little faces stared at her and gathered so close as they watched the little mary figure come and cry at the tomb. and we learned that Jesus came back to life after all. nursery is a very magic place.

my mom and sister were in town and that made my house the easter gathering place. britt brought her family down from idaho and colby and ash came too...that's about half the fam! it was heaven sent for me and posting these pictures makes me want to rewind time a bit . . .
i will let the photos do the telling . . .

Hip Hop Hunt

2009-04-20T17:37:00.001-06:00

better just tell you

2009-04-07T12:11:00.004-06:00

it's a bit early...but I feel like I had better just say it

yes. I'm pregnant. Surprised? me too.

my babies

2009-03-22T14:40:00.003-06:00

i think my baby is growing up...

but at least she's safe in her daddy's arms

lynzee's life revolves around her social network. texting on my phone. calling on the real phone. chatting on gmail. passing notes. friday playdates. and the hope of a sleepover. there is a 5th grade boy that has the power to make or break her entire day....her entire life. it's drama.

my little emi revolves her life around her upcoming 7th birthday and the constant revolving invite list...i think she has the biggest parties ever. last year there was like 50 people at her HSM party...and the year before every single person came to her disneyland party...all dressed up. i think every child in the world is ready to party in april...spring! this year...pixie & pirates party!

and the invite list is over 30 kids. oh dear.

need to say...

2009-03-20T20:05:00.002-06:00

i just need to say...i've really appreciated the support.
i feel it.

i also need to say...this charter school has a lot of pros.
i'm not going to list them all right now...i'm tired.
but it's a good school. a great school.
i could be complaining about a lot worse things than too much homework and pushing my child to fast. in lynz last school we had issues with sex education and inappropriate touching. heavens that is not an issue in this school....lots of respect.
the experience has been so growing.
i love mrs.s and i've learned this is her first year teaching. bless her heart. i remember my first year teaching dance and i wanted to implement everything...i've been able to filter what really works now.

anyways. i just needed to say that.
i'm grateful for the school. it's been a gift.
{with a big tangled up bow...but a gift nonetheless}

a little long trip to the school

2009-03-20T08:14:00.006-06:00

{math homework...a few weeks ago}

here we go...
a bit detailed for those of you who want it...and for my own clarity

i get up yesterday and i absolutely must order costumes for my upcoming dance performance of the wizard of oz. i'm on the phone with denise in virginia when i start getting beeps...check the caller id...it's the school. hum. so after the fifth one denise goes on hold.
hello?
hey mom.
who's this? (cuz i can never tell)
it's emi.
is everything ok?
no.
what's the matter?
i need my unfinished work because we are doing it all afternoon and it all has to be done and there is a special treat for if we finish and i don't have any of it here so mom i need you to bring it to school right now.
[oh this is funny. the unfinished work.]
well...i'm coming in at 12:30 can i bring it then?
hurry mom cuz that is all we are doing today.
k. see you soon. love you bye.
i flash back over to denise and finish up my costume order. before i head over to the school i shake reu awake and he has one suggestion "take a fire extinguisher"...love that man.
i told him i was only taking matches.

here comes mama bear. not so much a tiger today. not confrontational at all. not here to fix it all, just here it tell you how i feel and what i'm willing to do and how i don't care about how that affects my child's grades. this is my nightly agreement: i will do 2 math worksheets. study 10 spelling words. read 30 min with my child. and write the monthly story. that's it. if there is more worksheets i will be throwing it away. and i don't really care about the grade repercussions. i'm all set.

i arrive at the school and check in at the front desk. two of emi's classmates that i know really well are sitting in the office, the little girl says "hi miss emi's mom" but she is quickly silenced by the secretary, "you don't get to talk when you are in here, you are in trouble and we have work to do so you need to be quiet." oh heavens. i speak up.."oh i don't think she was talking to you and i feel it would be very rude for her not to say hi to me. hi katrina. i hope your day gets better. and you too a.j." the secretary realizes she was rude and apologizes...and off i go to the classroom. it's lunchtime. perfect.

i walk in and hold up the yellow folder...i'm not mad. i'm almost apathetic. "now, i'm confused...why did we send this home for the weekend if it's all they are working on today." she smiles at my joke. "i know i know. we just wanted them to get as much done as they could, get a headstart for today."

i have a seat and say "you know i have a big problem with this unfinished work." she knows. i begin to tell her about emi's day yesterday. how she came home drained and couldn't even play at the fairy party. how she fell asleep at 5 and didn't get up until this morning at 7:30. how she feels like it is never done. i hold up the folder and tell her emi obviously did not do any of it last night. i pull out her math folder and show her emi's unfinished math work. (she is not the math teacher) and then i tell her emi was also unable to study her spelling words for the pre-test. Then i tell her how my daughter woke up this morning out of her mind stressed because all of this was suppose to be done. she was paying the price for sleeping. her day was started and she was half buried. and now, worst of all to a 6 year old, she was not going to get the treat for having it done.

we talked. she listened. she shared my absolute disgust for grading these kids. she agreed that it was teaching them to focus on what they did not complete rather than dwelling on all they did. they didn't look at the twenty 100% but rather the four 0% that powered their grade. she agreed. but it is the school's policy. we talked about the school's 'underlying principles' and how she is required to have a specific curriculum with shurley spelling, spalding english and of course our saxon math. it was a lot...but required. i turned it a bit...she is doing the same thing with unfinished work. they never get to dwell on what they've done because there is always so much more to do. (i'm not sure if she got it)

it was then that i realized she has two agendas. she is a very creative teacher who wants to do all these fun projects with the kids...and this is a priority of course. but the school's curriculum leaves her little time. so really...the kids are getting two curriculums. she is trying to fit in the fun stuff between the academic worksheets and constant testing. I'm confused at why it can't be swapped...why the worksheets can't be lowered on the priority and fit in between the fun stuff. at any rate, shurley, spalding and saxon get top seat. this is tough on her and the kids. so i see her dilemma. she is not willing to cut out her fun stuff (i would hope not) but she is unable to limit the academics. after all...it's very important for my 1st grader to be diagramming sentences. true story. diagramming. go figure. so i venture to say perhaps there is a creative fun way of implementing the academics. maybe. just maybe. shurley and spalding don't have to be done in worksheets. ya think?

so i bring up the 30 spelling sentences. i understand it is implementing lots of skills. punctuation. capitalization. penmenship. spelling. but those words are old. and it takes my 3rd grader almost two hours to complete her five sentences including two spelling words (if i don't offer any help). the point of the assigment is over. why the need to finish it? why not ten sentences? "Well they had a whole week to complete that, i gave them almost an hour every day to work on those sentences." {that sounds like a fun creative hour.} that's not true. i know it. she knows it. but i play along. so you don't have one hour to devote to a fun planet poster project...but every day they can write sentences. let's see that's six sentences each time. seems like there would definitely be a funner way to implement those skills...punctuation. spelling. capitalization. she seems proud of her 30 sentence idea and i leave it be. but she knows i find it ridiculous.
just then!
here comes another mama bear.
oh! but she is angry...like me yesterday
spitting mad. locked jaw. handful of unfinished work.
seems the aid didn't separate hers into busy and graded. yikes!
seems more than one kid had to call mom today.
i'm almost laughing at what the teacher has brought on herself.
in my humor i speak up first.
"so this must be your pile of unfinished work," i smile with a bit of sarcasm, "and tell me dear, how do you feel about it?"
she shakes her head and honestly tries not to smile, this is not a laughing matter, "i don't think you want to ask me that right now?"
"oh i know, cuz i'm right with you." i sympathize...and turning to mrs.s i say "we know how i feel about this unfinished work." and i hand the flaming baton over to the tiger and get my butt out of there. no need to let myself get all fired up again. can't think clear when your mind is in a rage. i find emi in the lunchroom and sit and chat with the kids. i know all of them from kindergarten and they beg me to stay for the day...i feel more confident to speak up for them.

soon, mrs.s comes to get the kids and we head back to class. i ask her teacher how it went with the other angry parent and she says "oh i told her i had to get the kids from lunch and didn't give her much time to vent."
hum.
vent.
is that what she was doing with me? hearing me out.
no real change. just another venting mom.
hum...

but when we got back in the classroom she had her aid take over and asked me if i wouldn't mind continuing our conversation. sure. i told her how i've been trying to understand her teaching methods and although i appreciate that she uses so many approaches [ie:worksheets] to teach a skill or concept...it can be overkill once they've learned it. perhaps she could simplify. she stops me there and said that she and the aid had talked about this. simplifying. that it was too much for them as teachers and they knew the kids were overwhelmed. so i asked her what she was going to simplify. she seemed at a loss.

i offered my own suggestion. when i come help out in class you have at least four things going on, groups of kids doing different things, but then you call out different children to leave their 'assignment' and come test for something...or finish something else. then the child returns to that assignment but can't quite pick up right where they left off...they have to settle into it again. every assignment or project becomes longer with every interruption. for example, last thursday the kids were asked to finish their planet poster in 15 min. but i was asked to pull out the children that hadn't finished their secret animal story and make sure they finished that. that was overwhelming. you tell the children "this is the last 15 min you have to finish the planets, i want them all done today." but i have different instructions, and those six kids that need to also finish another project are suddenly faced with 2 assignments at once. plus, there is a group of kids that need to take a reading test on the computer so they have double duty too. AND we all have to be quiet, absolutely silent, while they test. i just think it makes more sense to do it all together...and whatever doesn't get finished they can work on at home and bring it back...i would actually love to help my daughter tear little pieces of paper into a saturn and look online for three planet facts. now that's fun.

i'm not sure she got my point. but i'm glad i at least offered a suggestion. it bugs me when people rant about something without an idea of making it better.

so here are my papers in the suggestion box:

repetition does not need to be incessant.

1 daily worksheet done well can teach the same concept

as 12 different ones done frantically.

***

commit to the project.

start it and finish it together.

***

if a group is testing,

have the other kids in quiet groups too...

not making funny shamrock people, it's too hard to be quiet while doing something silly.

***

it's Not ever, Never ever, about the finished project.

it's about the experience.

a bit pressurized

2009-03-18T18:47:00.004-06:00

today i was raging mad
hostile. ready to burn down the village.
i think it's mama tiger syndrome.

some of you know my kids attend this nazi charter school and for the most part i've just loved being a part of it. but this year they had to replace their art, music, foreign language and choir teachers and i'm starting to wonder why they left. it's a fabulous school for the science/math minded. but that's not me. and it's not balanced even if it were. i keep thinking the pros outweigh the cons...and it's a good opportunity for me to have more structure.
now i'm thinking not so much.
emi has yet to NOT get an F on a report card...because a missing assignment counts as a zero. i know! first grade...what is the point in teaching them that this young. if you miss one you're screwed. it feels like college. i'm constantly behind. so last semester i ask the teacher...what is she missing...oh 'turkey scramble'...what the hell?

i was mad today...because this is what happened...

i come in from teaching dance at noon and reu tells me emi's teacher aid called. oh. ok. what's up? well...she just wanted to inform us that she is sending a folder home of emi's missing work to make up so she can get passing grades (it's all about the grades...which they shouldn't even get in first grade) reu says, thanks for letting us know.
but that's not all.
she's calling because emi was "very overwhelmed" when she saw the folder so the aid, so kindly of her, divided the work into two parts...graded and busy work. about 25% of the work in the folder is for grades and we should complete that first. oh ok...is reuben's reaction. me? i'm instantly fuming. for the past year i have watched my 6 year old drag herself home and smack her forehead with a pencil trying to complete her homework in less than two hours...thinking she is not smart. she is not fast. she is not a good student.

if you do not understand why i would be upset with this folder coming home...then forgo reading on

i'm instantly fuming, over the edge, anger as in rage!
i wrote (but did not send) the most hostile email to emi's teacher. then i think, wait, i should see how much work this is and see what emi says. don't overreact. so i wait.

here comes the kids from school...lynz hops out and runs over to help me decorate the studio for a little fairy tea bithday party for some of my tiniest dancers. (it was a busy day) and reu picks emi out of the car...she doesn't lift her head from his shoulder. honey?...emi?...look at these fairy houses...emi...emi? nothing. ok. reu takes her inside...eventually she comes out in her fairy dress and i ask her if she had a good day at school...she shrugs and says "it's the same." oh.

well, let's party. for the next two hours there is a magic party at my house, outside in the glorious 65' weather, in the studio full of so much sparkle dust we are slipping on the floor. we make these little fairies. cake. ice cream. where is emi? for the most part my child is silent. she is watching. at clean up i find her curled in a blanket on the lawn...asleep. she is sleeping now in my bed. and i've just looked at her yellow folder of 'make-up work' and i'm wondering where it came from because we have not been absent this term. and then i pull out her math. two worksheets. both sides. 200 math fact problems to do. and a story problem sheet with another 20 math facts. what the hell?! she has 12 missing assignments! from writing all 30 spelling words in sentences to writing a story about teeth. i'm done. fail out of this damn school. it's crushed my child. emi use to wear stripey tights with rain boots every day and flower clips. now she's nervous if she doesn't tuck in every shirt and it's the end of the world if she can't find her belt. i don't care if the kids are capable of doing this much work...it should not be asked of them.
i help out in emi's class tomorrow.
watch out...here comes one mad mama.

in all honesty...i'm not sure what i'll do...
maybe i will pack up her desk and just leave.

here's just a little proof if you needed it. the thing is, none of it is too difficult it's just that there is so much of it for one little girl in one little night...and you cannot really spread it out over too much time because you lose points for being late and there is always tomorrows work.

no meat!

2009-03-16T21:19:00.006-06:00

so emi is officially a vegetarian

she won't eat animals.

they give us their eggs, their milk to make yogurt and ice cream...why would we eat them too? how very unkind I feel.

she even made a sign "NO MEAT!"

reu is worried about her future protein intake and is grateful he has strawberry protein shake powder. hum...

well, this isn't a surprise...she is very aware of stuff like this.

saving the planet and standing up for the animals.

she wants to be a "koala keeper...in the wild"

i guess i better stop throwing away

the stuff in her recycling bin...

i wonder if she'll eat seafood? hum...probably not.

lynz was telling her at the table today that green beans have

moods & i heard emi say she was going to live on medicine.

yikes.

her diet is not about nutrition, it's about principle.

her own beliefs.

this is going to be tricky.

oh lucky day!

2009-03-05T08:05:00.005-07:00

My dearest goddess Shauna
is doing a little pay-it-forward game on her blog

and I'm one of the lucky recipients.

Sooooo...here's the idea. Be one of the first 3 people to leave a comment on my blog and you will be the lucky recipient of a handmade gift from me some time this year...and we know how amazingly magic that can be :)

When you receive your gift will be a surprise!

Now here is the catch, you have to post the same thing on your blog and do the same for 3 lucky people. GOOD LUCK! This is going to be fun!

what a perfect month for friendship & luck.

love you all!

tah dah!

2009-02-13T13:45:00.008-07:00

so here they are...

no photo of this year's because i am finishing it today.

but it might be the very best. i love it!

no 2005 because it is still unfinished...much like that year.

and 2007 was the year from hell...

so even though it should've been the bestest of all

the valentines, as we grew so close together

we built a studio...but i was living day to day

and like i said, these valentines do take me a couple weeks,

they can't be rushed...anyways, enjoy all the devotion.

i do very much love and adore my husband.

he is my best friend.

he is my bestest lover.

he is why i get up every day.

i don't like to post a lot about him...i'm not sure why...

sometimes things are more potent when you don't spread it out...

when you don't dilute it...

but, for those that wonder his place in my life and his goodness

...a picture speaks a thousand words.

These cards speak millions.

devotion

2009-02-01T23:14:00.002-07:00

we made it thru january...phew

now spring can come...wake up pretty mistress of spring

i only give winter until mid february

then i break out the blow dryer on my roses outside.

true story.

and...

two weeks until my favorite holiday.

i wish we would all send love cards instead of christmas cards.

it takes me two full weeks to create reu's valentine

maybe i'll post pictures of the other years (later)

pretty amazing even if i do say so myself

the trick is...

once you start you have to keep it up.

commit to it.

it's a form of devotion.

people "devote" their lives to all sorts of causes...but devotion is a noun, something you own, that you give. I also believe it is an exchange...I think devotion stems from grace. that layer of love that is powerful for the sole reason that we don't deserve it...but we get it, we can see it in their eyes as they forgive. pardon. love us so fully. and in response all we can offer is our devotion. and they can see it in our eyes.

devotion.

if you don't have a clue what i'm talking about go get a dog.

i'm freezing

2009-01-27T08:25:00.005-07:00

It is currently 14'

the weather place says

it feels like 1'

I call it

"why do I live here weather"

but the sun is about to come over these huge mountains

and the sky is a pale blue...we haven't seen blue for a while

the inversion has lifted...we get blue

but now it's freezing.

and our high is suppose to be 25'

a week ago we were running thru sprinklers in arizona,

it was 82'

it is currently 40' there...suppose to get to 60'

I'm coming back Hays.

thinking a bit

2009-01-08T23:46:00.004-07:00

I feel like I've been talking so much lately

(mostly on the phone)

so when I come to post on this blog I find that

I just want to sit back and listen.

The blog world is so full of conversations and

I like to sit back around midnight and listen to all of you.

But I'm not much for talking right now.

I'm going thru this internal thing.

It's not the whole new years thing.

I'm not one for resolutions...

although I do give reu some...

he has to put rain gutters on the side of the house

that has a fatal ice patch every winter.

both jen and i have almost died. true story.

I just sortof want to stop talking

and be quiet enough

to hear

however, I felt the need to lend my voice tonight...

so you don't forget I'm in the corner over here...

laughing at your mishaps

and sighing with your struggles

silently listening to you.

this year I'm turning 30.

surprise!

I've been pretending to be 28 all last year.

because 28 was a good year I figured I'd stick with it.

and every time I said I'm 29 people would say

"oh you're going to be 30" like they didn't hear me

and I wanted 30 to be a big deal.

I'm thrilled about my new wiry white hairs poking up and the fact that I can have some validity to my ideas because I'm a bit more qualified by some experience. I'm not a newlywed. I'm not a new mother. I'm not that old, but I'm old enough to not be invited to pampered chef parties and say no. finally...to say

"no, I can't, but I'm sure you'll figure it out."

I've been able to let go of so many expectation (most of them I've put on myself) and let go of all the "shoulds" and the stubborn ideas of how things will be...I no longer think of a right or wrong way to do things...and I embrace the fact that we are all different. I like how we are all part of each other and rub elbows and throw an occasional blow.

I like that I've had friends for over 20 years now...I like that I appreciate my grandparents more...I like that I have friends that I've become a mother with...I'm glad my brothers can now be my best friends too.

maybe that's what it is.

i don't have to proclaim or protest anything.

i have nothing to prove.

so i can finally be quiet.

be still.

and learn from you.

hu...i guess i did have something to say.

happy new year.

thanks for all you say.

Grammy, Grandfather, Gramma & NanNan

2008-12-28T19:05:00.001-07:00

I love you...thanks for reading!

and sharing

and loving me

just another day...

2008-12-27T17:59:00.007-07:00

yup, it's just another day of christmas break.

i don't get up until noon (mostly because i stay up till 3)

and this is what i find...not surprised!

the entire house has been transformed into

one gigantic magic carpet

we have a lot of blankets!

we've been measuring this

amazing icicle for days...

it finally is longer than the window!
and yes...it is now 6pm
and we are still in these cheetah girl jammies,
(thanks grammy)
the blankets are all folded
but now the living room is a petshop villiage
the great life!

anyone ready for a game of scrabble?

Polar Express

2008-12-26T19:43:00.005-07:00

The girls go to a charter school
Freedom Academy
and although I complain about the endless nightly homework it really is a great school...and this year for a Christmas Party they did The Polar Express.

we all came in pajamas and got in this line that wrapped around the gym...waiting to board the train. Our conductor blew the whistle, we showed him our tickets and off we went to the first stop...a classroom where one of the older students read aloud a portion of the book...suddenly the whistle blew again and we were off to the next stop...ah! the cafeteria where we were served hot cocoa and cookies. The third stop was went Santa gave the first gift of Christmas and here came the man in red and delivered tiny gold bells to the kids...the final stop was when the boy lost the bell and Santa returned it. Then they shuffled us out to our cars. Brilliant! home and in bed at a good hour...a very smart mom planned this one!

(except that emi's bell got lost in the car and it was a tearful process trying to find the little treasure...next time I hope they give bells with a ribbon to put around their necks)

It really was a great night.

Lynzee and Emi have BFF's in their classes

that happen to be sisters also! go figure.

Lynzee and Lydia

Emi and Natalie

(It makes play dates easier)

Dancing Hearts

2008-12-26T19:00:00.012-07:00

The Ruby Shoes Studio has been very busy...

especially the past two months!

We did a fun rendition of Peter & the Wolf

We had auditions back in August and I was surprised at the results.

It's not what I would've picked but it was pretty near perfect.

Lynzee was the Wolf and Emi was a Raccoon.

here is a slideshow if you want to feel like you are at the show...

Then we did our annual Nativity Presentation.

This 15 minute ballet in honor of baby Jesus is very close to my heart. When things were low, really low...Reu and I built the Ruby Shoes Studio in 6 weeks, true story. Of course it was impossible without my work-horse father and my brothers. The Studio saved my life that winter and those children are such a part of me.

This ballet came as I listened to music from the Canadian Brass.

It moved me and I saw the whole thing in my head.

Mary entering with a vessel of some sorts resembling her as the chosen vessel to carry the Lamb of God. The exchange...the breathtaking exchange between Mary and the Messenger from heaven as she discovered the news of a baby...the baby that would save mankind. The shepherds in their fields with the fuzzy toddling sheep. The heavenly hosts celebrating in that magic field. And then when Jesus entered. I don't care that it is a doll on a stage...when those three year old fuzzy sheep hold him...one by one...they get to rock, twirl, hold and pat the baby Jesus...kissing his forehead as they pass him to the next. We each have such an individual experience with Jesus Christ, and Christmas time makes us evaluate His role in our lives. Then the stars...twinkling across the stage...the magistrates following the Star of the East until they find the Lord. And their worshipful dance.

This is the third year we have done this ballet and each year I cry when the angel and Mary dance and when the sheep...who always steal the show...get to hold the Savior. This year was no exception. Except that it meant so much more to have Lynz and Lauren play those parts...both of those girls started my class in Orem almost 5 years ago...and for an 8 year old, that's a large part of their lives!

And now about the "Mary Dance"...
I decided to dance with the two oldest classes (yes they are only 6-8! but they've been with me since they were 3)...year after year they have heard me say "there is a light right here swelling inside of you and you must push it out thru your heart, open your chest, thru your face...and all the way thru your fingers and toes...don't forget your toes. point those toes, shoot it out. if you do not dance thru that light your dancing is only steps." Most have heard the other part of my speech when I tell them "we are dancing to share that light and to express all that's inside of us. we are not trying to impress, we are trying to bless. make the audience swell."
I think you can see that in these photos of our Mary rehearsal...and in the slideshow from the previous post

2008-12-15T12:43:00.004-07:00

A dear mother sent me this today and it made my day. Perhaps I don't need to tell you about how much the Mary Dance meant to me...these pictures speak.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

(big sigh)

2008-12-14T19:11:00.004-07:00

I feel like I should post...

so many important things happened this week.

Reu and I have now been married for 10 years.

pretty big deal.

(good thing we are celebrating this next weekend)

My Ruby Shoes Studio

had two performances this past week.

a very very big deal.

I passed a kidney stone yesterday.

yikes!

thank heaven for my sister being here.

so I'm tired. my body is wore out from everything.

I want to write all about this Nativity

performance and what it means to me.

I want to tell you about the

"Mary Dance" and about my daughters.

I have tons of pictures and video to post.

but like I said. I am so tired.

craziness usually leads to crashing but hopefully

I'll get out of bed tomorrow.

this performance tends to take everything out of me.

that's why I initially told the parents I wasn't going to do it.

but we did. and I'm glad we did. very glad.

but I have no energy for christmas now...

especially after passing a kidney stone.

which by the way,

is worse than labor.

and that's from a mom who

had 2 all natural you go girl deliveries.

off to bed.

(big sigh)

you'll get your pictures later.

love to hate him

2008-12-04T22:17:00.007-07:00

you know I absolutely love my dogs.

probably not your dog.

but I do love mine.

But tonight...I may shoot one of them.

it would be Charlie to be specific.

because of course my Lola can do no wrong.

Who's idea was this instictual marking?

Why do male dogs have to claim every clean linen in the house? ...including ALL the beds and pillows...oh and let's not forget the couch.

damn dog!

I think maybe he is telling me something like hey guys I'm feeling all left out and I know I'm all muddy from outside but I still want to curl up on these beds with you at night why do I have to sleep in my crate because when I was cute and little I got to curl up with any of you all night long so what happened huh?

or maybe he is just saying "mine. yes mine. this too is oh yes...mine!"

I am going to wash him with every load tomorrow...because heaven knows it's too late to start now.

where's the incense?

we're all sleeping on the floor.

i'm glad reu works graves.

argh!

***update***poor charlie got neutered yesterday...and it broke my heart. I do love him.

shhh

2008-12-01T22:11:00.005-07:00

my mind is quiet tonight.

at least for a while.

and I am grateful.

"save money. live better"

2008-11-29T22:34:00.007-07:00

for the record...

there are certain things

that almost ruin Christmas instantly!

the after thanksgiving earlybird shopping is one.

a few years ago I decided to try it out

...get a few cheap boardgames

a woman with a cartfull of Chutes&Ladders

was running to the register

fighting off people grabbing them out of her cart.

she was screaming.

I was so upset at "the mob mentality"...I left.

and I will absolutely never go again.

people can be so mean. crazed. thoughtless.

and the fact that a walmart worker died

actually died! during that rush this year

...makes me crazy mad.

let me rant for a moment longer

about the whole "walmart mentality"

more more more for less less less

filling our homes with imitations of the real things.

we spoil our kids...encouraging "the entitled mentality"

we spend most of the year decluttering

or sucking up little pieces in the vacuum.

I am beside myself this year.

We are a wasteful people.

And then comes "the limited mentality" from 5am-11pm

one day when those deals that rule us have a time limit

only so much to go around.

survival of the fittest.

the whole damn thing pisses me off.

to the the 34 year old man

unlocking the door to thousands that had

gathered starting from 9pm the night before.

to the man that had worked the whole night

getting your damn store ready...

I am so sorry for the greedy and entitled.

I am so sorry nobody could stop.

they did not see you.

I am so sorry the prices where that important.

I'm sorry that

you were priceless.

and still nameless.

words to live by

2008-11-25T22:27:00.006-07:00

emi comes running thru the house after school

...she is headed for the bathroom exclaiming

"I haven't gone potty

since I was in the shower this morning!"

(I told you she reduces paper waste!)

us girls are watching "dancing with the stars" finale tonight

emi says "mom you could be on that show"

lynzee informs her,

"then she would have to wear a really immodest dress"

during a commercial from Kay Jewelers...

lynzee says aloud

"when I get married I don't want a ring I want a necklace"

go figure.

Dress Up Daze

2008-11-02T18:41:00.017-07:00

So...it was halloween, case you missed it.
here is my little devil and sweet angel.

Lynzee had "the devil look" perfected a little too well...it was actually scaring me...imagine this child being defiant in her teenage years...SCARY!

Brittney surprised us and showed up for trick or treating...it was a beautiful night, perfect weather! of course it's been raining nonstop ever since.

Tag: Fourths

2008-10-24T23:45:00.003-06:00

I took up Kristin's tag...fourth folder fourth file (in my photo folder) and when I saw what it was I couldn't help posting it...my Lynzee at the ya-ya sisterhood last weekend, isn't she something? and this captures so much of her...

Goddess Girls

2008-10-23T10:47:00.013-06:00

I'm counting my blessings and we must celebrate these four women...these single moms that live every moment. they love so deeply. and they just get what it is all about...such wisdom, such strength...and they have become a part of me.

If you have read Seceret Life of Bees then you understand what I mean when I say that I am like Lily in this pink house of amazingly strong wise women that have helped me become more real, or rather celebrate my own realness. Their stories are not mine to tell...but know this...these four women are magic. very much.

We miss you Critti and Mary...thank you for swinging and spooning with us.

Kisses under your pillow SuperJen and Kali...thank you for your shelter, your safety and peace...plus all the fun laughter late into the night.

I smell you Leish...and Ashy too...thank you for your unconditional love over so many years, never setting expectations and for your song...the music in your soul and in your hands.

And my Maren... my dear Maren ...thank you for studio moments, for brilliant schemes...and your faith. I love you inside and out.

Thank you

2008-10-21T22:06:00.004-06:00

Thank you to my parents, my sister, my close friends and dear cousins for your encouragement, your perspective and your heartfelt love. Your words have carried me...every one of them.

I'm still a wreck...not all the time of course, there are always those magic moments dancing with children in my studio...that's where I should be taking pictures and posting...but when you are in the moment you hardly ever capture it.

I've realized something this past week...about my heart. For months my heart has felt swollen. Literally and physically, as if there is no room for my lungs to fill...and I find myself holding my breath. I keep saying, I cannot breathe, and then my chest aches. And what I've realized is that there is great truth in saying that some things can "lighten your heart." So many of you have lightened my heart...not quite as powerfully as these little girls that bounce into my studio with surety that I can teach them how to fly...but close enough :)

Thank you again. Thank you for your phone calls and emails also, it motivates me to keep going, even if my head is down...it's so windy.

I love you for lifting my head and lightening my heart.

cannot sleep...thoughts...and I'm sad

2008-10-13T23:32:00.000-06:00

I just want to send these thoughts out into space somewhere...and for those of you that honestly want to know how I am doing...not just what I'm doing...this is what is keeping me awake tonight...

Why do I face such internal despair when I have such a charmed and even coveted life? Why do my thoughts race and my feeling swallow me up, and when I run from them they come up like a cool tide and then rip my feet out from underneath me...and I get caught in an undertow, unable to breathe or get my bearings. Why can't I control my thoughts and therefore my strong emotions? Why can't I detach from grief that is not mine?

I'm scared of winter, of everything dying...of the trees in their bare dark branches scratching a slate sky and the freezing air that steals your breath and makes you choke and cough. Why can't we hibernate in big blankets until April?

The ebb and flow of life. The tides, the moon, the seasons, even our own breathing...everything is in a constant state of exchange. But in the winter, it feels so stagnant, waiting and asleep...we should all sleep.

my dance to do list...I never clock out...I'm always planning lessons and costumes and shows, and I never live up to my expectations...I hope it matters, that these girls know I love them and more importantly that they love themselves...if I'm balancing professionalism and being personal. trying to shake my insecurities.

I realize I'm a bit too reflective and even mournful tonight...I miss some important people in my life. I feel loss, and the winter storm that came thru this weekend took all the newly bloomed roses out back.

I need to move somewhere warmer.
and I need to sleep...
I'll probably delete this post soon, but for those that read it...I love you...I'll be fine soon.

Terabithia

2008-10-06T08:54:00.001-06:00

There is this magic place...I pretend it belongs to me...it is such a part of me that I must be a part of it also. It is magic, and I've been able to share it with some very specialist of people in my life. There is something in the air out there...perhaps it's just that...air! you can see it in the faces in these photos...it's called breathing. There are still a few of you yet to take and it is very beautiful in the fall. There are two sides to this Terabithia as I call it...the swing side and the tree side. The swing side is quite public and well known, but the tree side is my own terabithia and if you've been lucky enough to go with me you know how very special it is. Last week I was able to go to the swing side three times, once by myself, once with my angelic Jen, and once with my big sister Brittney who came to see us for the weekend. I wanted to take some of you along by photos to see a very special place to me...there is a lot of photos in this album and it will just keep expanding...

Pyramid Lake

2008-09-27T16:28:00.002-06:00

A few weekends ago I went home to Nevada for a yoga workshop my mom was doing. She has this magic spot...full of tufa rock, which is the coolest stuff...light as styrofoam and shell-like but mountainous, it is formed by the hot geysers under the lake...and the sand was very dark with these tiny white perfect shells...it was perfect. bare. earthy. grounding. a bit dangerous as there was no communication or human life present. The Paiute tribe definitely has some sacred ground and I'm so grateful they share it with us. There is "the mother stone" which resembles a woman, sitting and wrapped in a blanket and her basket is beside her...it is all made of tufa also and the legend is that the squaw is waiting for her sons to come back from war and her tears form the salt water below. It is very still out there. The energy of our drumming circle was amazing, drums are so much fun...it's good to beat on something and feel so productive. I took my girls back the next day, it was a different feeling but it was still magic...nevada is very beautiful. bare, yes. but perhaps that just helps us see things better. bare, but not barren. the rocks are alive with faces and shadows and every angle presents a new image. thanks mom.

Boys II Men...again.

2008-09-17T22:26:00.000-06:00

So this one time...a few years back, when Leish and I were 14 I think, my sister Brittney had this birthday wish to go see Boys II Men with her best friend Katie, and I got to go with my best friend Leisha too. I remember how crazy many people were there and they had all these amazing effects...making it rain indoors, coming up thru the floor in their white tuxes with roses and melting us with all those love songs. giddy girls.

So this one time...a few weeks ago, when Leisha and I were moms, Boys II Men comes to Orem Utah of all places to perform at the outdoor theater...and her man buys us tickets! This time it's her sister that gets to go with us, love you Kim! And we get there over an hour early and settle into our seats...hum, but we seem to be the youngest in this very diverse crowd...aside from the many infants (only in utah). There are all these "old" people there, as in older than our parents. And I'm thinking of the lyrics to "I'll make love to you" which of course I'm counting on hearing...can they really sing "throw your clothes on the floor" to this audience? well they did. and everyone went crazy. there was at least 3,000 people there, babies and all. The energy was intense, almost like back in the day, minus the stage effects and costume changes. Thanks Daniel! It was a rush. giddy girls all over again.

Luam

2008-09-09T22:25:00.000-06:00

For you mom. It's in her blood...I could watch her for days! I'm seriously considering flying to manhattan to take class, no matter the cost. I love what she says about how in the end it's the vision...how it's mental, how it's free. and I love that she is from Ethiopia and has such a grasp on the balance of life...education and creation and life. She's such a real person to me. And so much of what she is and does is exactly like you mom. I am so amazed.

Saving the Earth

2008-08-29T21:44:00.000-06:00

last year...

Emi's kindergarten teacher was an amazing woman from Oregon... Emi became an advocate for saving the Earth and its inhabitants. I love it!

Emily is a firm believer in not eating cows...after all, they already give us butter, cheese and milk. She would prefer us not eat chickens either since they give us eggs.

It's not nice.

She monitors the water usage in our house as well...gently reminding Reuben to do all his spitting in the sink when he brushes his teeth before turning on the water.

She loves recycling! She walked very importantly and responsible when I sent her to take the newspapers down the block to our designated dumpster.

One thing, however, makes no sense to her. Reusable cloth grocery bags. After all...we need the plastic ones in order to recycle them at the school for money, and we reuse the plastic bags all the time for all sorts of stuff!

She's doing her part!

trying to freeze a moment

2008-08-25T22:29:00.001-06:00

I need to capture the moment I am having right now...quickly before it fades. quickly, pause my playlist.

I am having a very rough night...still detesting the fact that I was trying to escape at a computer, submerging myself in google searches...any distraction. Then of course I come to my cafe to check if friends have visited...looking for a little note on a napkin. Following the trail...I stumble upon this video...and oddly I pushed play, which I never take time to do. It's amazing what can happen when we hold still for a little while...especially when you are alone, exhausted, grasping...

http://www.reflectionsofchrist.org/index.html

...there is that moment again. I guess it works each time. It reminds me of prayer...those rare times for me, when I feel swept up..."in the arms of an angel"...actually the part that makes me swell inside is when the men are watching Christ ascend and you see their faces, our faces...and then we see Him looking down, leaving yet outstretched towards us and everything inside of me rushes out "come back"....and then...did you feel it? I want you to know I did. I felt Him come back and fill me and everything is going to be ok. peace. be still. you are real. what you do matters. be still.

Lunch at Nae's

2008-08-21T09:30:00.001-06:00

From back in the day...during the charmed life. Let's see...about seven or eight years ago all of us were thrust into each others lives...during the time we needed each other the most...building the foundations of our families...serving together and serving each other. My fondest memories of each? wouldn't you love to know! too many. But thanks to the amazingness of Alex we still get together for lunch to marvel at the interactions of our children...which seem to be multiplying!

Disneyland Slideshow

2008-08-20T01:50:00.001-06:00

Disneyland...happiest?

2008-08-18T18:31:00.000-06:00

We realized right away that Disneyland is much more than "the happiest place on earth." In fact, it is the land of every feeling. Emi soon began to ask "what feeling is this ride?" and the rides started to fit into catagories:

storybook-by-cart (such as Alice, Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh and such) spinning (tea cups, dumbo, etc.) make-your-insides-move (like splash mountain & river run) creep-you-out (ie: haunted mansion and bugs life show) and the dreaded "tipping rides" which were in a seperate catagory from make-your-insides-move because only some coasters actually take you sideways, which became the deciding factor for Emi if she would ride...we basically traumatized her with ridng space mountain entirely unprepared.

And then there was this other curious feeling at Disneyland...right around 2pm, that feeling when you have sweat dripping inside your clothes and your personal space is limited to an inch around you...and you realize you can actually walk away, but really you can't because you've been standing here too long...i think it's called resignation. It meant it was time to go back to the hotel for a while. But honestly, our trip was brilliantly wonderful, and we got to go thru all the sensation overload as a family with nobody's schedule but our own. We learned a lot about each other and how to help and love each other better.

Here is our Top Ten from Disneyland:

10. riding in our hot car on top of a tow-truck for two hours into cedar city...this is in the top ten because Amber made out like a bandit with a new Pacifica!

9. Churros, Pomme Frites and the Monte Cristo sandwich, yes it is entirely deep fried...and the Pineapple Dole Whip Float in the Tiki Room

7. splash mountain and the grizzly river run... riding Indiana Jones with Lynzee...the second time.

6. Club Libby Lu makeovers (even though Emi took hers out a few hours later to wash it in the water at the puddle park)

5. The fireworks...watching from our top of the hotel pool, from Adventureland, from Fantasyland, and the last night, from the castle...great show...although I think I'm having respiratory difficulties as a result.

4. this amazing acrobatic cirque du soleil bird girl with her rope on The Lion King parade float, seriously worth an autograph.

3. Emi says,"when we shrunk in the cereal box to go into the bug land"

2. Lynz says, "snowglobes" (both are currently broken)

1. the ultimate Disneyland experience came moments before we left the park near midnight on the last day...we had embroidered some mickey hats at the last minute and the girls were having a meltdown outside...lynz was bent over this post sobbing and exhausted when Mickey Mouse suddenly appeared from behind the building and started rubbing her back, it took a while for her to turn around, she was that tired...but when she did...it was disney magic. Walt would be proud.

Lola had Six!

2008-08-06T02:20:00.000-06:00

I love our dogs! I was never really a dog person, and especially an inside dog person, until we got Lola. And having Charlie actually does make it twice as fun. If you haven't seen Charlie and Lola on Disney...you are depriving yourself. She had six puppies on Sunday around 4am on the middle of our bed. True story. Reu was sleeping with our girls (I was at sisterhood) with both dogs curled in the family bed for the night. And she just delivers amongst them all. By the time I got home around 11am, poor Reuben was out to the world. The girls had taken the only hours old puppies all over the house, making beds for them and hauling them up and down the stairs. Lola was so stressed out she had peed everywhere they had taken them. I was gratefull my sisters were with me and we cleaned up in 20 minutes flat! The puppies are currently still alive :) There are two girls and four boys. I will keep adding photos to the album as they grow...and maybe a video if I can figure that one out.

Sisterhood Weekend 2008

2008-08-06T01:59:00.001-06:00

We went to Park City this year for our GoddessFest. We always begin our weekend by cooking dinner friday night...Brittney didn't hold back this year. The Napa Valley Basil Smoked Hamburgers were incredible. We also share things that have impacted our life over the past year and glimpse into everyone's life...that's my favorite part. The plan was to walk around Main Street the next morning and we were in luck since the Arts Festival was that day! Go figure! We went to Midsummer Night's Dream at the outdoor theater in Sundance that night and ended Sunday morning by learning about a women in our ancestry and adding her as an honorary sister in the amazing book Brittney is creating. This year was Elizabeth Carson, a beekeeper among other things and we all took home raw honey in remembrance of her. Sisters are powerful

Dance Camp

2008-08-06T01:12:00.001-06:00

This year's camp was amazingly fun. The dynamics of the group made every day exciting for me...I wanted to sit and share some photos of what I do most days. I so very much realize the impact I make in these children's lives, and I know my job makes a big difference in their awareness of their bodies, an appreciation for differences, and most of all their confidence to take on the world. Of course it makes the most difference in my own life, the drawings and little treasure gifts I spontaneously receive mean the world to me. This studio...named after reuben actually and a combination of the magic ruby slippers and the red shoes ballet...it is such a safe place and the expression that takes place there is truly magical.

Pocatello with Brittney

2008-08-05T00:12:00.000-06:00

I went to visit Brittney and her girls for a weekend in their new home. We spent all night talking about things we can't remember now, sharing our favorite websites and planning for the sisterhood weekend. The cousins had fun swimming, playing with a bubble wand, putting on plays, some dizzy hill-rolling and a bit o' drama, of course. The only unpleasant part of the trip was when emi choked at applebee's...she's still a tad traumatized.

Gymnastics with Kirra

2008-08-04T23:49:00.000-06:00

The girls did a summer gymnastics camp with our friend Kirra, who happened to be on the BYU team and now teaches the current team, we love her! So now Lynz and Em will be in Bejing later this month so you'll need to cheer them on. Well...at least they have the salute down...and a great backward roll and backbends! I got the 'team' medals for the end of camp...Reu made a beam, we attached a bar between the doorway, and used some foam mattresses and yoga mats. I was impressed with how the studio really became a gym. Thanks Kirra, Emi has been practicing like crazy and will start taking official classes this fall, we love you!

July 4th

2008-07-18T20:39:00.002-06:00

Lynzee's Baptism

2008-07-18T00:33:00.000-06:00

How can I describe this? Well...Emi gave the prayer, Grandma's both spoke amazingly, Reu baptized her, Grandpa's were witnesses and Lynzee sang a solo that melted my heart, people wished her blessings for her new beginning and we released white balloons as a visual reminder for her to know she is never alone, my best friends were there...in the end it was me that realized that I am not alone in raising this beautiful gifted child of God.

Cramer Visit

2008-07-18T00:25:00.000-06:00

Reuben's parents and brother came and spent ten days of non-stop soaking up each other...and still wanting more. My mother in-love actually wore me out shopping, I'll need to practice up for our next visit :) My favorite day of the trip is being trapped in a boat with each other...the girls jumping off the side, racing jet skis and riding a variety of tubes...fun for everyone. Thanks for emptying your pockets for that one dad, we love you.

Hogle Zoo

2008-07-18T00:16:00.001-06:00

Lynzee's Birthday

2008-07-18T00:11:00.000-06:00

Lynzee's birthday was spent at the Hogle Zoo and she says it was the best birthday ever...imagine that, spending your birthday with your family!

Summer Sweets

2008-07-17T23:29:00.001-06:00

This past month we've been able to spend time with some of our favorite people. Oceana and Sierra stayed with us for a week of poolside fun, dollar store bribes, and studio sleepovers, when else can you stay up until midnight jumping on mattresses, painting your fingernails and rocking out in front of a huge mirror. We met up with Britt, Saul and my whole family for the reunion and then we traded for their dog, which we lost the very first day! Gratefully he didn't make it out of our neighborhood in six hours.