24 October 2008

Tag: Fourths

I took up Kristin's tag...fourth folder fourth file (in my photo folder) and when I saw what it was I couldn't help posting it...my Lynzee at the ya-ya sisterhood last weekend, isn't she something? and this captures so much of her...

23 October 2008

Goddess Girls

I'm counting my blessings and we must celebrate these four women...these single moms that live every moment. they love so deeply. and they just get what it is all about...such wisdom, such strength...and they have become a part of me.

If you have read Seceret Life of Bees then you understand what I mean when I say that I am like Lily in this pink house of amazingly strong wise women that have helped me become more real, or rather celebrate my own realness. Their stories are not mine to tell...but know this...these four women are magic. very much.

We miss you Critti and Mary...thank you for swinging and spooning with us.

Kisses under your pillow SuperJen and Kali...thank you for your shelter, your safety and peace...plus all the fun laughter late into the night.

I smell you Leish...and Ashy too...thank you for your unconditional love over so many years, never setting expectations and for your song...the music in your soul and in your hands.

And my Maren... my dear Maren ...thank you for studio moments, for brilliant schemes...and your faith. I love you inside and out.

21 October 2008

Thank you

Thank you to my parents, my sister, my close friends and dear cousins for your encouragement, your perspective and your heartfelt love. Your words have carried me...every one of them.

I'm still a wreck...not all the time of course, there are always those magic moments dancing with children in my studio...that's where I should be taking pictures and posting...but when you are in the moment you hardly ever capture it.

I've realized something this past week...about my heart. For months my heart has felt swollen. Literally and physically, as if there is no room for my lungs to fill...and I find myself holding my breath. I keep saying, I cannot breathe, and then my chest aches. And what I've realized is that there is great truth in saying that some things can "lighten your heart." So many of you have lightened my heart...not quite as powerfully as these little girls that bounce into my studio with surety that I can teach them how to fly...but close enough :)

Thank you again. Thank you for your phone calls and emails also, it motivates me to keep going, even if my head is down...it's so windy.

I love you for lifting my head and lightening my heart.

13 October 2008

cannot sleep...thoughts...and I'm sad

I just want to send these thoughts out into space somewhere...and for those of you that honestly want to know how I am doing...not just what I'm doing...this is what is keeping me awake tonight...

Why do I face such internal despair when I have such a charmed and even coveted life? Why do my thoughts race and my feeling swallow me up, and when I run from them they come up like a cool tide and then rip my feet out from underneath me...and I get caught in an undertow, unable to breathe or get my bearings. Why can't I control my thoughts and therefore my strong emotions? Why can't I detach from grief that is not mine?

I'm scared of winter, of everything dying...of the trees in their bare dark branches scratching a slate sky and the freezing air that steals your breath and makes you choke and cough. Why can't we hibernate in big blankets until April?

The ebb and flow of life. The tides, the moon, the seasons, even our own breathing...everything is in a constant state of exchange. But in the winter, it feels so stagnant, waiting and asleep...we should all sleep.

my dance to do list...I never clock out...I'm always planning lessons and costumes and shows, and I never live up to my expectations...I hope it matters, that these girls know I love them and more importantly that they love themselves...if I'm balancing professionalism and being personal. trying to shake my insecurities.

I realize I'm a bit too reflective and even mournful tonight...I miss some important people in my life. I feel loss, and the winter storm that came thru this weekend took all the newly bloomed roses out back.

I need to move somewhere warmer.
and I need to sleep...
I'll probably delete this post soon, but for those that read it...I love you...I'll be fine soon.

06 October 2008


There is this magic place...I pretend it belongs to me...it is such a part of me that I must be a part of it also. It is magic, and I've been able to share it with some very specialist of people in my life. There is something in the air out there...perhaps it's just that...air! you can see it in the faces in these photos...it's called breathing. There are still a few of you yet to take and it is very beautiful in the fall. There are two sides to this Terabithia as I call it...the swing side and the tree side. The swing side is quite public and well known, but the tree side is my own terabithia and if you've been lucky enough to go with me you know how very special it is. Last week I was able to go to the swing side three times, once by myself, once with my angelic Jen, and once with my big sister Brittney who came to see us for the weekend. I wanted to take some of you along by photos to see a very special place to me...there is a lot of photos in this album and it will just keep expanding...