26 May 2009

Queen for a Day

I'm late posting Emi's birthday...she was Queen for the Day.
and of course what is a queen without a real crown.
she got her favorite breakfast in bed...and her loyal subjects took their bears to build-a-bear for a makeover. then we took some kiddie kandid pictures and went swimming at the cool indoor aquatics center...I was very grateful to have my sister there...that's when the miscarriage started so the pictures stop there.
it was ironic to celebrate birth and loss during the same day...i'm very grateful for my emi. this miscarriage has been hard for her. even tonight while we were shopping she said, when i see little baby clothes it makes me feel very sad mom. i feel it too.
when we discovered there was no heartbeat she cried a lot and said she really wanted to hold a baby. i told her our neighbor katie had a tiny newborn and i bet she could hold her. i could see katie on her porch. as i walked with emi down the sidewalk i hollored out...can emi hold your baby. my throat caught with the word "your" and i didn't say much more. i didn't hold the baby, but i touched her tiny head and that thick dark hair felt like silk. emi held her for a while and then ran off to play. since then she told me "it is different mom to hold other peoples babies"...as if i didn't know.
so...i'll tell you about the performance next...i need to finish the slideshow.
it really was a great experience.

ode to the sun

(from my personal and private files...)
today i woke up to find it was suddenly summer.
no more school. no more dance. and the roses bloomed early.
i've decided to postpone my trip to fallon so i can sit on my swing and remember why i live among these gigantic green mountains that turn pink at precisely 9 at night.
i woke up this morning to find my house framed in arching roses.
and mr. darby had exploded into at least ten heavy blossoms that smell like lemon starbursts.
and my peony out back was full of large fluffy very bright flowers.
I sat on my front porch swing today.
I played with my family in the grass.
I took the girls out to terabithia...my tree
and although she is still surrounded by the high water of the river...she was beautiful.

this was my third time to see her this spring.
a while ago...on a hard day i went. she was submerged in the river. when i saw how unreachable she was...it affected me deeply. i sat on the bank and looked at her root system in the water and wondered how she had survived such a great fall. she still reached out over that river with all these new branches sprouting upward. yet she was her own island. I felt unreachable that day too...I wanted to feel alive like her...so I waded out thru the freezing water and sat on her lap of a trunk...my legs were red and numb. i wanted to be numb too. i wanted to stop hurting. to stop feeling so angry. i wanted to feel strong and supported and supportive. i didn't climb thru her. i just sat and tried to still my mind for a few hours...i watched the twisted current around her...until i could feel my legs and then i waded back to the trail and walked barefoot on that hot paved trail back to my car...

today...she was extra isolated because of the heavy rains all night long...and i stood on the bank with emi and stared at her. emi said, "you know mom we could still get to her." obviously she had been figuring it out in her mind...just like i did a while back. she explained how to get to her...and she was right.
terabithia was indeed reachable.
"but let's leave her alone. and come back when the water is lower"
came the realistic conclusion and off we went on our bikes...emi is right.
it just takes time, and some sunshine...and water will subside.

from the private blog...

her name is terabithia...it's time to go see how she braved the winter
and to sit in her roots and breathe in her green. there is something very healing about the color green and the sound of water.
there is another tree nearby. it does not belong to me. it belongs to everyone.
and there is a very high swing...where one can practice...
how to fly and the art of letting go
either way it takes your breath away.
and then you sit in the uprooted roots of Bithia...and breathe green.
air can be green...when it is alive with growth. movement. water.
it's like the yellow sun absorbs the water and sky and somehow
fills the air with green...and it filters in the houses

yes. green is a good color. and it's back.

from the private blog...

I held Emi today as they gave her a stinging shot and put her under for her dental work. When she was coming out of it she couldn't open her eyes and the nurse was trying to wake her up...she was trying to get her to nod. or react in some way. she put a cold ice pop on her tummy and asked her if she could take it off. Emi didn't budge. I started talking to her asking her if she wanted to go home...she was out cold. or so it seemed. Then the nurse asked her...do you know where your mommy is? and with all her energy my emi flung her arm around my head and neck. I kept whispering in her ear...say "mom" and they will let us go home but you have to use your words. Somewhere inside that drugged little body came very slowly 'mom'...and we went home.

(for the next five hours she threw up and shook and cried in delirium...there is a youtube video of a little boy in the car from a dentist appointment and he screams and talks nonsense...i use to think it was funny, but not anymore.)

When we got home there was a note on the door that Lynz made before her ride picked her up for school...we had to leave before her. Emi was still half dead and was so upset that her eyes weren't working and she couldn't read it and she couldn't see anything right. But the note meant a lot to me. Despite the fighting and fits...there is actually a lot of love in this little house.

I held Lynzee too, she was a train wreck today...she asked to be held...and around 6:30pm she fell asleep in my arms in the rocking chair I bought when I was pregnant with her...I use to rock them every night and measure their bodies as they lay across me...I remember when Lynzee's legs were long enough that they fell over the arm of the chair...

I haven't taken time to hold them for a while.

it hurts. i'm not sure why it hurts so much...but it also heals.

everyone needs to be held...and everyone needs to do some holding.