thinking a bit

I feel like I've been talking so much lately

(mostly on the phone)

so when I come to post on this blog I find that

I just want to sit back and listen.

The blog world is so full of conversations and

I like to sit back around midnight and listen to all of you.

But I'm not much for talking right now.

I'm going thru this internal thing.

It's not the whole new years thing.

I'm not one for resolutions...

although I do give reu some...

he has to put rain gutters on the side of the house

that has a fatal ice patch every winter.

both jen and i have almost died. true story.

I just sortof want to stop talking

and be quiet enough

to hear

however, I felt the need to lend my voice tonight...

so you don't forget I'm in the corner over here...

laughing at your mishaps

and sighing with your struggles

silently listening to you.

this year I'm turning 30.

surprise!

I've been pretending to be 28 all last year.

because 28 was a good year I figured I'd stick with it.

and every time I said I'm 29 people would say

"oh you're going to be 30" like they didn't hear me

and I wanted 30 to be a big deal.

I'm thrilled about my new wiry white hairs poking up and the fact that I can have some validity to my ideas because I'm a bit more qualified by some experience. I'm not a newlywed. I'm not a new mother. I'm not that old, but I'm old enough to not be invited to pampered chef parties and say no. finally...to say

"no, I can't, but I'm sure you'll figure it out."

I've been able to let go of so many expectation (most of them I've put on myself) and let go of all the "shoulds" and the stubborn ideas of how things will be...I no longer think of a right or wrong way to do things...and I embrace the fact that we are all different. I like how we are all part of each other and rub elbows and throw an occasional blow.

I like that I've had friends for over 20 years now...I like that I appreciate my grandparents more...I like that I have friends that I've become a mother with...I'm glad my brothers can now be my best friends too.

maybe that's what it is.

i don't have to proclaim or protest anything.

i have nothing to prove.

so i can finally be quiet.

be still.

and learn from you.

hu...i guess i did have something to say.

happy new year.

thanks for all you say.