from the private blog...

I held Emi today as they gave her a stinging shot and put her under for her dental work. When she was coming out of it she couldn't open her eyes and the nurse was trying to wake her up...she was trying to get her to nod. or react in some way. she put a cold ice pop on her tummy and asked her if she could take it off. Emi didn't budge. I started talking to her asking her if she wanted to go home...she was out cold. or so it seemed. Then the nurse asked her...do you know where your mommy is? and with all her energy my emi flung her arm around my head and neck. I kept whispering in her ear...say "mom" and they will let us go home but you have to use your words. Somewhere inside that drugged little body came very slowly 'mom'...and we went home.

(for the next five hours she threw up and shook and cried in delirium...there is a youtube video of a little boy in the car from a dentist appointment and he screams and talks nonsense...i use to think it was funny, but not anymore.)

When we got home there was a note on the door that Lynz made before her ride picked her up for school...we had to leave before her. Emi was still half dead and was so upset that her eyes weren't working and she couldn't read it and she couldn't see anything right. But the note meant a lot to me. Despite the fighting and fits...there is actually a lot of love in this little house.

I held Lynzee too, she was a train wreck today...she asked to be held...and around 6:30pm she fell asleep in my arms in the rocking chair I bought when I was pregnant with her...I use to rock them every night and measure their bodies as they lay across me...I remember when Lynzee's legs were long enough that they fell over the arm of the chair...

I haven't taken time to hold them for a while.

it hurts. i'm not sure why it hurts so much...but it also heals.

everyone needs to be held...and everyone needs to do some holding.