ready

no...i can't sleep.
i would say i've been tossing and turning for the past three hours
but it's more like flumping and flopping around.
i feel like a hippo.
every movement involves leverage and multiple limbs.
and little miss ruby doesn't help by rummaging around in there.
maybe she feels like a hippo too.
a squished up one.

i want her to come.
if she's ready.

and i'm pretty darn sure she's ready. so come already!

while i was flumping around in my bed i started thinking about labor.
visualizing thru the contractions that i inevitably have every night until 4am.
and i was thinking about fear and the unknown.

i think that's what our culture breeds...fear. and in all honesty. i'm not scared of labor. it's not some torturous thing...it's only scary if you don't understand the process of it. it is the unknown that scares us. i use to be scared of electricity that way. i was terrified to mess with an outlet. then i wired my entire studio...and it's really quite simple. same thing with plumbing. but looking under the hood of my car always intimidates me. i know nothing about it. until recently, if i thought of jump starting another car by myself...i'm sure i would blow something up and someone would surely lose an arm or leg. so in these random thoughts...i thought of labor and pain, and how if we don't know anything about it, we can be pretty scared.

needless to say, i'm not scared to have this baby.

it's funny to think back...i remember waking up right after i delivered lynzee and still being terrified of labor. i had spent so many months freaking out over what if's and could happens, that after she came i was still scared.

then i passed a kidney stone a week after she was born.
then another kidney stone at home a while later.
then i had another natural birth.
and two more kidney stones.
and passed my miscarriage at home.
...now...not so scared of natural pain and the process it takes.


it's the unnatural pain that actually scares me. i'm terrified of interfering with the process and the complications it can create. i didn't react well to the pain medication during my first kidney stone at the hospital. i don't like feeling doped up and still have the pain. i need to have my head clear to deal with pain. to work with it. to remember that it is temporary.

anyways...those are my thoughts nearing 1am...as i wonder when i will get to hold this baby that kicks my ribs and rams her head into my cervix all night.

she's got to be ready.