I just want to send these thoughts out into space somewhere...and for those of you that honestly want to know how I am doing...not just what I'm doing...this is what is keeping me awake tonight...
Why do I face such internal despair when I have such a charmed and even coveted life? Why do my thoughts race and my feeling swallow me up, and when I run from them they come up like a cool tide and then rip my feet out from underneath me...and I get caught in an undertow, unable to breathe or get my bearings. Why can't I control my thoughts and therefore my strong emotions? Why can't I detach from grief that is not mine?
I'm scared of winter, of everything dying...of the trees in their bare dark branches scratching a slate sky and the freezing air that steals your breath and makes you choke and cough. Why can't we hibernate in big blankets until April?
The ebb and flow of life. The tides, the moon, the seasons, even our own breathing...everything is in a constant state of exchange. But in the winter, it feels so stagnant, waiting and asleep...we should all sleep.
my dance to do list...I never clock out...I'm always planning lessons and costumes and shows, and I never live up to my expectations...I hope it matters, that these girls know I love them and more importantly that they love themselves...if I'm balancing professionalism and being personal. trying to shake my insecurities.
I realize I'm a bit too reflective and even mournful tonight...I miss some important people in my life. I feel loss, and the winter storm that came thru this weekend took all the newly bloomed roses out back.
I need to move somewhere warmer.
and I need to sleep...
I'll probably delete this post soon, but for those that read it...I love you...I'll be fine soon.
13 October 2008
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11 comments:
even through the sadness, your prose is beautiful. You could write a book. hugs sweet Amber. What you do DOES matter. So very, very much. Thank you for it all.
I love you and have always looked up to you. I always will. You will always be that special cousin who took me under her wing and loved me like a sister. Thanks for that.
I remember seeing you with your girls when they were little. You were so patient and loving with them. I remember how soft your voice was in disciplining them. I put that moment in the back of my mind to bring forward when I had a child of my own. And I have. Thanks.
Without a little winter perhaps the spring would not have such great beauty. If we know real sorrow perhaps we can better experience our greatest joys.
Love ya!
Amber we love you and hope only the best for you and your beautiful family. It's o.k. to vent and feel sad. I just wish I could express my feelings as you do. Some of us just bottle them up and snap finally at the littlest thing. I think it's way better to let them out....so thanks, I have learned from you...:)
Know you are: loved, missed, adored, cherished, prayed for, looked up to, believed in, a special friend, irreplaceable, a gift in other's lives, divine, and empathized with. We may not know the hows or whys to our emotions and thoughts, but it's through our life's journey that we learn both the happiness and sorrow that helps us help others when we find a friend in need. Call. Always, ME.
My dear little Ambie, you are so gifted and give a voice to so many that struggle, thank you for being uch an angel. I love your idea of a warm blanket for the winter, lets make one, I'ii do some patches and Brittney can do some patches and anyone else who would love to make a blanket please join us in making a blanket to protect our loved gifted angel who brings magic to all of us. I adore you and I love you. XXX&Os MOM
Amber, I love you. You sound like what is in my head every once in a while. I just can't put it into words so beautifully. Always know that we are here. I have plenty of room in this beautiful house your dad help me build.
I wish i had your ablity to write and express myself the way you do... i love you girl.. i pray that you know that.. you are truely wonderful. love ya always..
I have a hanging on my wall in my bedroom next to my bed with different quotes on it. After reading your post this quote came to mind. "Those who don't know how to weep with their whole hearts, also don't know how to laugh" -Golda Meir Its ok to be where you are. In the moment you are in it. One thing I've learned from my experiences in life thus far is that we are broken, and by seeing our weaknesses, our struggles, our sorrows, we can be healed, wholely, completely by that man from galilee. Jesus my Savior. Then we become another kind of "broken" as in well trained, like a horse is broken, able to be led by the true master. I love you Amber and I grieve with you and laugh with you. You've touched my life in so many aspects. Thank you for your poetic imagery. Its beautiful. I know you will be alright and your life will heal, one broken strand at a time, and in those times of hurting, you have many that are willing to share the burden with you and to joy with you in spring.
hugs and kisses for you. is it something cafe rio and some chocolate could cure? always works for me. :)
Thinking of you...
Come move to St.George. It's beautiful and warm down here. You write so beautifully even when you are having a hard time. I am sorry for you night and I understand how you feel. Hang in there. You are wonderful!
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