here I am

So it's been six months...

when i come here to write...i am empty, or too full.

but today...my sister sent me this picture, and i want to write.

some of you know i have a private blog...very uncensored to the workings of my mind and heart. i have rarely written anything over the past few months. i have missed writing, but it tends to evoke too much emotion...and it makes me realize how fragile i am inside.

how scared.

I've learned a little over the past 6 months...in my silent listening.

like i'm really not in charge of things. and life doesn't go as planned.

i've learned to hold onto my husband closer, and tighter.

and i've learned a lot about letting go.

of expectations. assumptions. control.

I don't want it to sound like I've had a terrible 6 months,

because it's been wonderful. but hard.

this miscarriage was harder than i thought...and continues to affect me. my sister's graduation was harder. the family reunion was harder. going to south carolina was harder. dance has been harder. reuben's last semester of nursing school has been harder.

all good, but hard.

and i think i know why... after my miscarriage i became really numb. detached. in letting go of the baby, i let go of others.

and although it served it's survival purpose...it makes things harder.

but i have needed to focus these past few months.

in south carolina i realized i was pregnant again.

i felt guilty for not being happy and excited.

i cried a lot at night, when i should've been praying.

i wrote a lot back then, but posted nothing.

then my words stopped.

i went off my medicine as soon as my intuition was confirmed.

it took me four days to tell reuben i was pregnant.

it took us 16 weeks, and 2 heartbeats to tell the girls.

i was detached. anxious. protective. defensive.

being off my medicine is a big deal for me. i've had to simplify my mind. sometimes that means being quiet. sometimes too quiet. and even though i am still somewhat disconnected...i want to open up a little today and tell you...

10 days ago...my reuben, lynzee and emi huddled around an ultrasound.

we heard a beating heart and saw a healthy growing body.

and a complete face...reuben squeezed my foot at this sight.

[my medication causes cleft lip and palette. to see perfect lips never meant so much before.]

I was excited for the girls to see their little brother.

I was sure we were being sent a prepackaged crazy bundle of testosterone

to keep us grounded during this next season of hormonal drama girls.

but I was wrong.

We saw a perfectly healthy baby...girl!

it's another step in learning that I'm not in charge.

of a lot of things.