So it's been six months...
when i come here to write...i am empty, or too full.
but today...my sister sent me this picture, and i want to write.
some of you know i have a private blog...very uncensored to the workings of my mind and heart. i have rarely written anything over the past few months. i have missed writing, but it tends to evoke too much emotion...and it makes me realize how fragile i am inside.
how scared.
I've learned a little over the past 6 months...in my silent listening.
like i'm really not in charge of things. and life doesn't go as planned.
i've learned to hold onto my husband closer, and tighter.
and i've learned a lot about letting go.
of expectations. assumptions. control.
I don't want it to sound like I've had a terrible 6 months,
because it's been wonderful. but hard.
this miscarriage was harder than i thought...and continues to affect me. my sister's graduation was harder. the family reunion was harder. going to south carolina was harder. dance has been harder. reuben's last semester of nursing school has been harder.
all good, but hard.
and i think i know why... after my miscarriage i became really numb. detached. in letting go of the baby, i let go of others.
and although it served it's survival purpose...it makes things harder.
but i have needed to focus these past few months.
in south carolina i realized i was pregnant again.
i felt guilty for not being happy and excited.
i cried a lot at night, when i should've been praying.
i wrote a lot back then, but posted nothing.
then my words stopped.
i went off my medicine as soon as my intuition was confirmed.
it took me four days to tell reuben i was pregnant.
it took us 16 weeks, and 2 heartbeats to tell the girls.
i was detached. anxious. protective. defensive.
being off my medicine is a big deal for me. i've had to simplify my mind. sometimes that means being quiet. sometimes too quiet. and even though i am still somewhat disconnected...i want to open up a little today and tell you...
10 days ago...my reuben, lynzee and emi huddled around an ultrasound.
we heard a beating heart and saw a healthy growing body.
and a complete face...reuben squeezed my foot at this sight.
[my medication causes cleft lip and palette. to see perfect lips never meant so much before.]
I was excited for the girls to see their little brother.
I was sure we were being sent a prepackaged crazy bundle of testosterone
to keep us grounded during this next season of hormonal drama girls.
but I was wrong.
We saw a perfectly healthy baby...girl!
it's another step in learning that I'm not in charge.
of a lot of things.
17 comments:
three girls and good husbands. our lives could not be more full.
congrats!! i love you amber. sometiems we learn the most when life is hard but we only realize it after the hard stuff is over. its wonderful you're having another girl. a friend told me that the more beautiful the couple the more girls they would have...she read it in a study. ;)
Just today, Macy said, "Mom I have something REALLY important to tell you. Amber's having a baby, and it's a girl!"
We're so happy for you guys! I'm so glad all is well.
I'm starting to learn about the whole not being in charge thing, too.
PS I thought I was really losing my mind when I saw my name and didn't think I'd commented yet!
I love you Amber! Welcome back!
Congratulations! How wonderful to have 3 sisters! I have thought about you so much, I have tried to call you but somehow have a wrong number programmed in my phone. I love you...
Ash
so happy for you girl! i have been thinking about you lots lately. I wish I could have spent more time with you this summer. 3 girls will be wonderful. I love you!!!
I'm so happy for you Amber! What would Reuben do with a boy anyway?
Very happy for you. I've been in a kind of slump also as far as being able to write. I have so much on my mind that I sit down to write about it and my mind goes blank. Lots to digest. She'll be beautiful! Congratulations.
Wow. i have missed you. Congrats!! That is so exciting. Your girls will have so much fun with a baby sister. hang in there.
we love you. thanks for sharing and writing so beautifully...I love to see how you express yourself. And thanks for being such a good role model to my little Nicole...you're the best!
I have thought about you a lot, since May. I have thought about how horrible I felt for being so sick that I couldn't help with dance. And I thought about a lot of things that we talked about...like depression. But I am happy to report that I am finally on meds for it, and I am feeling a little happier:) And I am SO happy for another little girl to add to your already adorable girls:) Congrats!!
Congratulations on your healthy looking baby. ALL of your girls are just beautiful!
I am very happy for all of you. I will continue to send prayers your way. Have a blessed Christmas.
we love girls too! also thanks for a wonderful show on friday. i was so proud of chloe. she told me she misses dance. i asked what her favorite part is and she said,"free dance".
I am so happy you posted again. I felt a lot reading this post but I dont' know how to put it into words here in the comment box. Love you hon. Lots. And love your growing tummy. You are a darling pregnant lady.
I found blog and was touched so deeply by your amazing words. I have struggled for 2 years now to have another child. All though I should feel extremely blessed for having 3 beautiful little girls, as you said everything is hard. I am so Happy that you are expecting a little girl. It truly is a miracle.
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