i remember...

those first few magical weeks.

and this time...i know how fast it will go away

(emily...a few days old...or maybe a month...i can't remember some things)

i'm so excited.

even for the sleepless nights and the lung developing cries.

not so much the diapers...but that's ok.

and this time...i have my two side kicks that may be more excited than me.

emi is obsessed with becoming a good big sister.

lynz has suddenly started playing with her doll again.

we squeal together over tiny socks and ruffles of any sort.

it's hard to imagine the relationship i would have with these two girls

way back then...how did they grow up so fast?

(me with my babies back in april 2002)

a little tint please.

I told her all I see is bare black branches
scratching at a slate sky...and I used the alliteration on purpose.
She said...with all my creativity I should be able to see something different.
different?...hum...

so maybe these forbearing snow covered mountains
could be protective and stable?...not claustrophobic.

i'm not sure about that.
and perhaps the naked trees are beautiful shapes reaching for the sky.

i think they prefer less exposure personally.

and the sky

the white blank sheet of sky...can i see anything there?
it does make me want to paint with warm colors.

orange. turquoise. greens. and that lovely salmon color.

i think i need some sunglasses for some tint.

i'm trying. honest.

but really...january is such a survival month for me.
and i truly think we should all sleep with the leaves.
what was that wind yesterday too?

heavens that was unfriendly.

not so quick

after 4 hours in the hospital...
i'm wondering why my doctor could not do this simple test during our appointment
seems dr.j had the nifty little kit to check for fluid.
really? do i have to answer 500 questions and be admitted for this.

so the nurse admitting me asks the next question...
"do you learn better by verbal description or demonstration?"
and i'm thinking...hum...really?
do you ask this question to women when they are in labor?
hum...please demonstrate my delivery, go ahead.

are you going to demonstrate this internal exam for me?
yes, i would like to see my doctor demonstrate what this feels like...
what a splendid idea.
let's see if he is up for it.
oh...that's right, he didn't want to check at his office so let's send her over to labor and delivery for the 2 min. test. nevermind the protocol and hoops we must therefore jump thru.

and while i'm at it why don't i pour 2 tbs. of water down his pants
and he can tell me if that is adequate leakage to want to change.

so i'm waiting...and waiting...
the first test took a second, quick swab...doesn't turn blue. good to go.
great. i'm ready to go home.
oh but you can't!
there is this thing called discharging.
which means waiting for the doctor.
which doctor? i mean i have seven after all.
call down to the office, ask the one that sent me.
nope.
the one at the hospital...yes, the one delivering babies.
oh ok. i'll wait. and wait. and wait.
so we might as well do another test just to make sure.
good to go.
nope. a few hours later let's also do an expensive sonogram with a bratty lady who asks
"why are you here?"
she's irritated that it's after five and i'm obviously fine.
i'm thinking the same thing.

me and mr.thorpe are going to have a little talk in a few weeks.
that was a bit ridiculous.

my favorite part was the fact they have to monitor the baby the whole time...which is difficult with a 2 lb dolphin girl who won't stay still...after all, didn't i mention, i had to drink that glucose drink for the earlier appointment. so i'm sick to my stomach and the babies practicing her ninja skills...oh and "we're not sure if you can eat or drink anything." are you kidding!

checking in

it's past midnight...of course...

and i hop around checking in...

i've been thinking about cloth diapers like hays and wonder if i have any hippie in me or just that bit of gypsy that wanders. i wear leather bracelets so would that count? i should do a post about those magic jonny bracelets...but then you would all want one and it would stress me out.

dance begins tomorrow morning and i am excited and nervous.

i miss my little dancers and all their hugs.

i'm excited for them to see my belly because they will tell me it is huge.

(all the moms tell me i'm so small...and i get no sympathy for any discomfort.)

little girls are full of sympathy :)

i'm just a little nervous about these contractions that fill my days.

the doctor says it's fine.

this is my 5th pregnancy and 3rd child...braxton hicks can start early.

although i thought 21 weeks was pretty early for taking my breath away.

it's exhausting me and a bit frustrating because it slows me down.

i have a doctor appointment tomorrow too.

i'm worried i'm leaking.

promise...i know the difference and i'm not peeing my pants.

they will likely say i'm fine again...but what if...

what if the contractions are dilating me a bit and i am leaking?

i'm 28 weeks and i'm starting my 10 week countdown to the baby.

i'm fairly confident she will enter the world at 38 weeks like her sisters.

or sooner.

but we shall see.

we went shopping for her...

she has hot pink newborn jammies with panda bear footsies that scream

"my big sister is emi"

and she has the softest brightest polka-dot blankie with a lamb on it

that means "lynzee loves me"

i am still wondering how my girls found hot pink in the newborn isle.

this time is going to be so different.

i swear this little being inside of me recognizes the voices of her sisters.

their reading voices...and laughing silly voices...and yelling fighting voices too.

she moves for them.

like she's been watching and waiting to be with them.

i'm not sure that is possible at this point...but it's a sweet thought.

it's almost 1am.

bedtime.