Grammy, Grandfather, Gramma & NanNan

I love you...thanks for reading!

and sharing

and loving me

just another day...

yup, it's just another day of christmas break.

i don't get up until noon (mostly because i stay up till 3)

and this is what i find...not surprised!

the entire house has been transformed into

one gigantic magic carpet

we have a lot of blankets!

we've been measuring this

amazing icicle for days...

it finally is longer than the window!
and yes...it is now 6pm
and we are still in these cheetah girl jammies,
(thanks grammy)
the blankets are all folded
but now the living room is a petshop villiage
the great life!

anyone ready for a game of scrabble?

Polar Express

The girls go to a charter school
Freedom Academy
and although I complain about the endless nightly homework it really is a great school...and this year for a Christmas Party they did The Polar Express.

we all came in pajamas and got in this line that wrapped around the gym...waiting to board the train. Our conductor blew the whistle, we showed him our tickets and off we went to the first stop...a classroom where one of the older students read aloud a portion of the book...suddenly the whistle blew again and we were off to the next stop...ah! the cafeteria where we were served hot cocoa and cookies. The third stop was went Santa gave the first gift of Christmas and here came the man in red and delivered tiny gold bells to the kids...the final stop was when the boy lost the bell and Santa returned it. Then they shuffled us out to our cars. Brilliant! home and in bed at a good hour...a very smart mom planned this one!

(except that emi's bell got lost in the car and it was a tearful process trying to find the little treasure...next time I hope they give bells with a ribbon to put around their necks)

It really was a great night.

Lynzee and Emi have BFF's in their classes

that happen to be sisters also! go figure.

Lynzee and Lydia

Emi and Natalie

(It makes play dates easier)

Dancing Hearts

The Ruby Shoes Studio has been very busy...

especially the past two months!

We did a fun rendition of Peter & the Wolf

We had auditions back in August and I was surprised at the results.

It's not what I would've picked but it was pretty near perfect.

Lynzee was the Wolf and Emi was a Raccoon.

here is a slideshow if you want to feel like you are at the show...

Then we did our annual Nativity Presentation.

This 15 minute ballet in honor of baby Jesus is very close to my heart. When things were low, really low...Reu and I built the Ruby Shoes Studio in 6 weeks, true story. Of course it was impossible without my work-horse father and my brothers. The Studio saved my life that winter and those children are such a part of me.

This ballet came as I listened to music from the Canadian Brass.

It moved me and I saw the whole thing in my head.

Mary entering with a vessel of some sorts resembling her as the chosen vessel to carry the Lamb of God. The exchange...the breathtaking exchange between Mary and the Messenger from heaven as she discovered the news of a baby...the baby that would save mankind. The shepherds in their fields with the fuzzy toddling sheep. The heavenly hosts celebrating in that magic field. And then when Jesus entered. I don't care that it is a doll on a stage...when those three year old fuzzy sheep hold him...one by one...they get to rock, twirl, hold and pat the baby Jesus...kissing his forehead as they pass him to the next. We each have such an individual experience with Jesus Christ, and Christmas time makes us evaluate His role in our lives. Then the stars...twinkling across the stage...the magistrates following the Star of the East until they find the Lord. And their worshipful dance.

This is the third year we have done this ballet and each year I cry when the angel and Mary dance and when the sheep...who always steal the show...get to hold the Savior. This year was no exception. Except that it meant so much more to have Lynz and Lauren play those parts...both of those girls started my class in Orem almost 5 years ago...and for an 8 year old, that's a large part of their lives!

And now about the "Mary Dance"...
I decided to dance with the two oldest classes (yes they are only 6-8! but they've been with me since they were 3)...year after year they have heard me say "there is a light right here swelling inside of you and you must push it out thru your heart, open your chest, thru your face...and all the way thru your fingers and toes...don't forget your toes. point those toes, shoot it out. if you do not dance thru that light your dancing is only steps." Most have heard the other part of my speech when I tell them "we are dancing to share that light and to express all that's inside of us. we are not trying to impress, we are trying to bless. make the audience swell."
I think you can see that in these photos of our Mary rehearsal...and in the slideshow from the previous post

A dear mother sent me this today and it made my day. Perhaps I don't need to tell you about how much the Mary Dance meant to me...these pictures speak.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

(big sigh)

I feel like I should post...

so many important things happened this week.

Reu and I have now been married for 10 years.

pretty big deal.

(good thing we are celebrating this next weekend)

My Ruby Shoes Studio

had two performances this past week.

a very very big deal.

I passed a kidney stone yesterday.

yikes!

thank heaven for my sister being here.

so I'm tired. my body is wore out from everything.

I want to write all about this Nativity

performance and what it means to me.

I want to tell you about the

"Mary Dance" and about my daughters.

I have tons of pictures and video to post.

but like I said. I am so tired.

craziness usually leads to crashing but hopefully

I'll get out of bed tomorrow.

this performance tends to take everything out of me.

that's why I initially told the parents I wasn't going to do it.

but we did. and I'm glad we did. very glad.

but I have no energy for christmas now...

especially after passing a kidney stone.

which by the way,

is worse than labor.

and that's from a mom who

had 2 all natural you go girl deliveries.

off to bed.

(big sigh)

you'll get your pictures later.

love to hate him

you know I absolutely love my dogs.

probably not your dog.

but I do love mine.

But tonight...I may shoot one of them.

it would be Charlie to be specific.

because of course my Lola can do no wrong.

Who's idea was this instictual marking?

Why do male dogs have to claim every clean linen in the house? ...including ALL the beds and pillows...oh and let's not forget the couch.

damn dog!

I think maybe he is telling me something like hey guys I'm feeling all left out and I know I'm all muddy from outside but I still want to curl up on these beds with you at night why do I have to sleep in my crate because when I was cute and little I got to curl up with any of you all night long so what happened huh?

or maybe he is just saying "mine. yes mine. this too is oh yes...mine!"

I am going to wash him with every load tomorrow...because heaven knows it's too late to start now.

where's the incense?

we're all sleeping on the floor.

i'm glad reu works graves.

argh!

***update***poor charlie got neutered yesterday...and it broke my heart. I do love him.

shhh

my mind is quiet tonight.

at least for a while.

and I am grateful.

"save money. live better"

for the record...

there are certain things

that almost ruin Christmas instantly!

the after thanksgiving earlybird shopping is one.

a few years ago I decided to try it out

...get a few cheap boardgames

a woman with a cartfull of Chutes&Ladders

was running to the register

fighting off people grabbing them out of her cart.

she was screaming.

I was so upset at "the mob mentality"...I left.

and I will absolutely never go again.

people can be so mean. crazed. thoughtless.

and the fact that a walmart worker died

actually died! during that rush this year

...makes me crazy mad.

let me rant for a moment longer

about the whole "walmart mentality"

more more more for less less less

filling our homes with imitations of the real things.

we spoil our kids...encouraging "the entitled mentality"

we spend most of the year decluttering

or sucking up little pieces in the vacuum.

I am beside myself this year.

We are a wasteful people.

And then comes "the limited mentality" from 5am-11pm

one day when those deals that rule us have a time limit

only so much to go around.

survival of the fittest.

the whole damn thing pisses me off.

to the the 34 year old man

unlocking the door to thousands that had

gathered starting from 9pm the night before.

to the man that had worked the whole night

getting your damn store ready...

I am so sorry for the greedy and entitled.

I am so sorry nobody could stop.

they did not see you.

I am so sorry the prices where that important.

I'm sorry that

you were priceless.

and still nameless.

words to live by

emi comes running thru the house after school

...she is headed for the bathroom exclaiming

"I haven't gone potty

since I was in the shower this morning!"

(I told you she reduces paper waste!)

us girls are watching "dancing with the stars" finale tonight

emi says "mom you could be on that show"

lynzee informs her,

"then she would have to wear a really immodest dress"

during a commercial from Kay Jewelers...

lynzee says aloud

"when I get married I don't want a ring I want a necklace"

go figure.

Dress Up Daze

So...it was halloween, case you missed it.
here is my little devil and sweet angel.

Lynzee had "the devil look" perfected a little too well...it was actually scaring me...imagine this child being defiant in her teenage years...SCARY!

Brittney surprised us and showed up for trick or treating...it was a beautiful night, perfect weather! of course it's been raining nonstop ever since.

Tag: Fourths

I took up Kristin's tag...fourth folder fourth file (in my photo folder) and when I saw what it was I couldn't help posting it...my Lynzee at the ya-ya sisterhood last weekend, isn't she something? and this captures so much of her...

Goddess Girls

I'm counting my blessings and we must celebrate these four women...these single moms that live every moment. they love so deeply. and they just get what it is all about...such wisdom, such strength...and they have become a part of me.

If you have read Seceret Life of Bees then you understand what I mean when I say that I am like Lily in this pink house of amazingly strong wise women that have helped me become more real, or rather celebrate my own realness. Their stories are not mine to tell...but know this...these four women are magic. very much.












We miss you Critti and Mary...thank you for swinging and spooning with us.












Kisses under your pillow SuperJen and Kali...thank you for your shelter, your safety and peace...plus all the fun laughter late into the night.

I smell you Leish...and Ashy too...thank you for your unconditional love over so many years, never setting expectations and for your song...the music in your soul and in your hands.











And my Maren... my dear Maren ...thank you for studio moments, for brilliant schemes...and your faith. I love you inside and out.

Thank you

Thank you to my parents, my sister, my close friends and dear cousins for your encouragement, your perspective and your heartfelt love. Your words have carried me...every one of them.

I'm still a wreck...not all the time of course, there are always those magic moments dancing with children in my studio...that's where I should be taking pictures and posting...but when you are in the moment you hardly ever capture it.

I've realized something this past week...about my heart. For months my heart has felt swollen. Literally and physically, as if there is no room for my lungs to fill...and I find myself holding my breath. I keep saying, I cannot breathe, and then my chest aches. And what I've realized is that there is great truth in saying that some things can "lighten your heart." So many of you have lightened my heart...not quite as powerfully as these little girls that bounce into my studio with surety that I can teach them how to fly...but close enough :)

Thank you again. Thank you for your phone calls and emails also, it motivates me to keep going, even if my head is down...it's so windy.

I love you for lifting my head and lightening my heart.

cannot sleep...thoughts...and I'm sad

I just want to send these thoughts out into space somewhere...and for those of you that honestly want to know how I am doing...not just what I'm doing...this is what is keeping me awake tonight...

Why do I face such internal despair when I have such a charmed and even coveted life? Why do my thoughts race and my feeling swallow me up, and when I run from them they come up like a cool tide and then rip my feet out from underneath me...and I get caught in an undertow, unable to breathe or get my bearings. Why can't I control my thoughts and therefore my strong emotions? Why can't I detach from grief that is not mine?

I'm scared of winter, of everything dying...of the trees in their bare dark branches scratching a slate sky and the freezing air that steals your breath and makes you choke and cough. Why can't we hibernate in big blankets until April?

The ebb and flow of life. The tides, the moon, the seasons, even our own breathing...everything is in a constant state of exchange. But in the winter, it feels so stagnant, waiting and asleep...we should all sleep.

my dance to do list...I never clock out...I'm always planning lessons and costumes and shows, and I never live up to my expectations...I hope it matters, that these girls know I love them and more importantly that they love themselves...if I'm balancing professionalism and being personal. trying to shake my insecurities.

I realize I'm a bit too reflective and even mournful tonight...I miss some important people in my life. I feel loss, and the winter storm that came thru this weekend took all the newly bloomed roses out back.

I need to move somewhere warmer.
and I need to sleep...
I'll probably delete this post soon, but for those that read it...I love you...I'll be fine soon.

Terabithia

There is this magic place...I pretend it belongs to me...it is such a part of me that I must be a part of it also. It is magic, and I've been able to share it with some very specialist of people in my life. There is something in the air out there...perhaps it's just that...air! you can see it in the faces in these photos...it's called breathing. There are still a few of you yet to take and it is very beautiful in the fall. There are two sides to this Terabithia as I call it...the swing side and the tree side. The swing side is quite public and well known, but the tree side is my own terabithia and if you've been lucky enough to go with me you know how very special it is. Last week I was able to go to the swing side three times, once by myself, once with my angelic Jen, and once with my big sister Brittney who came to see us for the weekend. I wanted to take some of you along by photos to see a very special place to me...there is a lot of photos in this album and it will just keep expanding...

Pyramid Lake

A few weekends ago I went home to Nevada for a yoga workshop my mom was doing. She has this magic spot...full of tufa rock, which is the coolest stuff...light as styrofoam and shell-like but mountainous, it is formed by the hot geysers under the lake...and the sand was very dark with these tiny white perfect shells...it was perfect. bare. earthy. grounding. a bit dangerous as there was no communication or human life present. The Paiute tribe definitely has some sacred ground and I'm so grateful they share it with us. There is "the mother stone" which resembles a woman, sitting and wrapped in a blanket and her basket is beside her...it is all made of tufa also and the legend is that the squaw is waiting for her sons to come back from war and her tears form the salt water below. It is very still out there. The energy of our drumming circle was amazing, drums are so much fun...it's good to beat on something and feel so productive. I took my girls back the next day, it was a different feeling but it was still magic...nevada is very beautiful. bare, yes. but perhaps that just helps us see things better. bare, but not barren. the rocks are alive with faces and shadows and every angle presents a new image. thanks mom.

Boys II Men...again.

So this one time...a few years back, when Leish and I were 14 I think, my sister Brittney had this birthday wish to go see Boys II Men with her best friend Katie, and I got to go with my best friend Leisha too. I remember how crazy many people were there and they had all these amazing effects...making it rain indoors, coming up thru the floor in their white tuxes with roses and melting us with all those love songs. giddy girls.

So this one time...a few weeks ago, when Leisha and I were moms, Boys II Men comes to Orem Utah of all places to perform at the outdoor theater...and her man buys us tickets! This time it's her sister that gets to go with us, love you Kim! And we get there over an hour early and settle into our seats...hum, but we seem to be the youngest in this very diverse crowd...aside from the many infants (only in utah). There are all these "old" people there, as in older than our parents. And I'm thinking of the lyrics to "I'll make love to you" which of course I'm counting on hearing...can they really sing "throw your clothes on the floor" to this audience? well they did. and everyone went crazy. there was at least 3,000 people there, babies and all. The energy was intense, almost like back in the day, minus the stage effects and costume changes. Thanks Daniel! It was a rush. giddy girls all over again.

Luam

For you mom. It's in her blood...I could watch her for days! I'm seriously considering flying to manhattan to take class, no matter the cost. I love what she says about how in the end it's the vision...how it's mental, how it's free. and I love that she is from Ethiopia and has such a grasp on the balance of life...education and creation and life. She's such a real person to me. And so much of what she is and does is exactly like you mom. I am so amazed.

Saving the Earth

last year...

Emi's kindergarten teacher was an amazing woman from Oregon... Emi became an advocate for saving the Earth and its inhabitants. I love it!

Emily is a firm believer in not eating cows...after all, they already give us butter, cheese and milk. She would prefer us not eat chickens either since they give us eggs.

It's not nice.

She monitors the water usage in our house as well...gently reminding Reuben to do all his spitting in the sink when he brushes his teeth before turning on the water.

She loves recycling! She walked very importantly and responsible when I sent her to take the newspapers down the block to our designated dumpster.

One thing, however, makes no sense to her. Reusable cloth grocery bags. After all...we need the plastic ones in order to recycle them at the school for money, and we reuse the plastic bags all the time for all sorts of stuff!

She's doing her part!