a few slides

forbidden fruit

i love this picture for so many reasons...

one, the whole world is in her eyes

two, we are on our favorite front porch swing

and three...

we stole that divine plum from our neighbors forbidden fruit tree.

i only steal one or two...promise.

(the rest i ask for)

a front view

for you hays...i love you.

baby girl

i love that she's always crossing her legs.

while she eats

and while she sleeps.

uh oh!

yes, she is 10!

happy birthday my little lulu
we made a multilayer stage of mattresses in the studio
had makeovers...thanks allie, jen, marta and juby!
and then filmed these rockstars singing to their favorite tunes...
someday I'll figure out the posting of videos, but until then at least I have footage right.
it's pretty funny stuff...because allie and jen and i are amazing rockstars ourselves.
it was actually just what i needed...a crazy girl party.
and yes...i know all the words to their songs...go taylor swift and miley!

on the brighter side

this was mother's day it was a long night.
but a brilliant morning.

hollow night

I am sad. and sometimes scared.
being alone is hard. but sharing it is harder.

people say..."you look so great. doesn't look like you had a baby."

and I say..."ya, thanks. it's a trade off since I get postpartum depression."

I don't think anyone knows what I'm talking about.

and that's ok...I'd rather you didn't.

laundry

you know when you get a load out of the dryer...a really really big load. and you are determined to get all the clothes at once so you scoop them all up and head into the other room...trailing socks and underwear along the way...

well, that's me right now.
and i want to thank those of you that are coming along behind me and picking up the pieces...because i'm falling apart...trailing socks and underwear along the way...

thank you for helping me with my house. my kids. my dancers.
my life.
my very very big life right now. it's a bit much for me.
but worth it.

i keep thinking things will be simpler after the wizard of oz is over.
but then i remember...laundry is never over.

Ruby Caroline

Emily's Baptism

our favorite time

yes

Yes. I had a baby.
Yes. She is perfect.
Yes. I am breathing.
Yes. I am engulfed in postpartum chaos.

39 weeks

really? this is new.
i wasn't expecting to raise my glass to this week.
but here it is....
so here's to castor oil...fill your glass...Cheers!

i'm kidding. no oil for me. just trust and courage.
so here's to trust and courage.

so very soon

well...it's March 22nd.
and no baby yet.

i'm currently dilated to 3cm and mostly effaced.
so we'll see.

it's time to turn it over to nature and watch the process unfold in it's own time.
maybe she's wants a diamond birthstone like her sister.

one way or the other...she's coming so very soon.
and i'm starting to treasure these last pregnant days.
bodies are so amazing!

ready

no...i can't sleep.
i would say i've been tossing and turning for the past three hours
but it's more like flumping and flopping around.
i feel like a hippo.
every movement involves leverage and multiple limbs.
and little miss ruby doesn't help by rummaging around in there.
maybe she feels like a hippo too.
a squished up one.

i want her to come.
if she's ready.

and i'm pretty darn sure she's ready. so come already!

while i was flumping around in my bed i started thinking about labor.
visualizing thru the contractions that i inevitably have every night until 4am.
and i was thinking about fear and the unknown.

i think that's what our culture breeds...fear. and in all honesty. i'm not scared of labor. it's not some torturous thing...it's only scary if you don't understand the process of it. it is the unknown that scares us. i use to be scared of electricity that way. i was terrified to mess with an outlet. then i wired my entire studio...and it's really quite simple. same thing with plumbing. but looking under the hood of my car always intimidates me. i know nothing about it. until recently, if i thought of jump starting another car by myself...i'm sure i would blow something up and someone would surely lose an arm or leg. so in these random thoughts...i thought of labor and pain, and how if we don't know anything about it, we can be pretty scared.

needless to say, i'm not scared to have this baby.

it's funny to think back...i remember waking up right after i delivered lynzee and still being terrified of labor. i had spent so many months freaking out over what if's and could happens, that after she came i was still scared.

then i passed a kidney stone a week after she was born.
then another kidney stone at home a while later.
then i had another natural birth.
and two more kidney stones.
and passed my miscarriage at home.
...now...not so scared of natural pain and the process it takes.


it's the unnatural pain that actually scares me. i'm terrified of interfering with the process and the complications it can create. i didn't react well to the pain medication during my first kidney stone at the hospital. i don't like feeling doped up and still have the pain. i need to have my head clear to deal with pain. to work with it. to remember that it is temporary.

anyways...those are my thoughts nearing 1am...as i wonder when i will get to hold this baby that kicks my ribs and rams her head into my cervix all night.

she's got to be ready.

countdown

37 weeks...

i love my new ruby slippers :)

on the way to the talent show...

the girls did the jitterbug dance they made up themselves

at some point i'll figure out how to put videos on here...

until then...here's a photo

strepB

let's talk about strepB
because it's causing a great turbulence in my mind
and i'm losing sleep over it.

for the past two days i've been reading online medical journals and opinions.
i just need a place to talk it out...so this is mostly for me.
but if you are interested...by all means read on.


so here's the facts:
strepB is a normal healthy bacteria that grows in your lower intestine. in all of us. it can spread to the vagina...and often does in pregnancy. 1 in 3 pregnant women test positive for this bacteria. that's 30%...that's a lot of us. the trick figure is that just less than 1% of these positive women pass it to their infants, who can become infected, usually with sepsis (infection of the blood). that's not a high percentage, but yes, it is a serious infection. so the Center of Disease Control here in the USA has a mandate prevention. It's quite aggressive in my opinion...as every pregnant woman must be tested and every positive woman must have two doses of antibiotics two hours apart thru an iv during labor. one of those doses needs to be a few hours before delivery...and it takes at least 30 min per dose. (that means during transition.) this all started in 1995...so really we don't know how this affects the immune systems of these babies yet.

however, interestingly enough, although the infections in the newborns have decreased, the immunity to penicillin and later infection of strepB has increased significantly.
hum.

instinctively...this feels wrong to me.

to kill off ALL bacteria, good and bad, before the baby passes thru the birth canal...has other implications. i think the bacteria is there for a reason...and i don't think a baby should be flushed with penicillin while in labor...or the mom. and if you can tell within 12-24 hours if the baby has an onset infection...why not treat the baby then?

or better yet...test all the moms at 35 weeks. if they test positive put them on a probiotic and vitamin C and zinc...then test them at 37 weeks...after all, it is a transient bacteria. it doesn't stay. that's why they test it so close to delivery, so they can guesstimate if you might have the bacteria during labor. and just because you have the bacteria doesn't mean you actually have a strepB infection.

i'm just bugged that i don't have a choice.

i think more research needs done before we mandate this throughout our entire nation. it feels like the only choice i have is to not make it to the hospital in time...but i really don't feel like delivering in the lobby. I would just like to talk about this. because i don't feel right about it. what if the penicillin makes my blood pressure rise...or the babies...and we end up in a c-section? what if it messes with my contractions or dilation? what if i have an allergic reaction? i don't want to be hooked up to an iv during transition...it makes a natural delivery quite difficult.

so i'm frustrated. and even though it shouldn't be such a big deal.
it feels huge to me right now. it caught me off guard.
and i don't like being told i have no choice.
none of us like to feel stuck.

i think my mother tiger instincts are kicking in.

prego picture

look what brittney sent me!

(taken feb 13th in tabiona utah)

i'm going to see the midwife tomorrow...

let's hope for some progress.

cheers to completing 36 weeks...

cheers to full term!

Truth. Faithfulness. Honesty.

for christmas i wanted a hand stamped necklace.

i wanted it to be small, gold and silver, and symbolic as well as sentimental.

so i found a creator on etsy and here it is.

my little dancers love for me to show them the secret hidden behind my heart.

Reuben is my everything. now more than ever.

show and tell

the icy pink oh-my ruffle cupcake dress

i saw it from a distance and ran down the isle...yes it feels as sweet at it looks.

couldn't resist the pandas...which have become emi's find.

Lynzee has claimed lambs since her birth...she LOVES lambs!

so naturally Ruby will have quite a collection from her sister.

now here's some newborn essentials...

gowns are my favorite

that's it for now...actually there are tons more clothes in her drawers from grammy and from "the collection" that went thru my two girls and my sisters two girls...survival of the fittest clothes. (yes it is true that gymboree clothes tend to outlast the others)

So I'm feeling the need to pack for the hospital...

as of last monday I am 50% effaced and just a little dialated still.

so no real rush.

she's stayin in there for at least a couple weeks for sure.

cheers to 35 weeks!

34 weeks

i count down my weeks in dance classes.

so come thursday night as i finish my 9th class of the week...if i'm not in labor

then i praise myself for surviving another week.

so tonight is 34 weeks.

cheers!

by the way...the baby has dropped significantly. she's head down.

i keep reminding her that the timer has not gone off yet.

at least 4 more weeks my darling...4 more weeks.

we'll see.

lynz was 14 days early. emi was 19 days early.

this next week starts my 4 week countdown.

tiff and tausha are taking over the afternoon classes so i will only have my 5 morning classes to teach...they are the youngest dancers. you would think it would be easier to teach them, but it's not. they are my hardest classes because i cannot just tell them what to do...i must show them. full out. if i hold my belly while i gallop around the room or pretend to jump half way...they imitate me perfectly. we are a bunch of pregnant ballerinas. and there is a lot more hopping and jumping and bending and twisting and holding little girls and picking them up. but it's in the morning when i feel my best...and the girls don't seem to notice any difference in me yet...although i get frustrated that i'm limited in the movement we can do together. i can no longer pick them up in their frozen shapes and twirl them around.

in 4 weeks i'm closing the studio for a 3 week spring break.

3 weeks to have this darling baby...and heal.

i know that's not much time, and i'm assuming the best labor and recovery, but it's all i can do to ensure these girls can have a spring performance.

after our break, we will have 6 weeks to prepare for The Wizard of Oz.

i can't tell you enough how grateful i am for tiff and tausha.

neither of them read this blog...but i must tell you how amazing they are

and how amazing it feels to have them.

so the girls can continue to dance...

even when i cannot dance with them.

so...cheers!

to 34 weeks

and counting.

by the way...reuben ordered me a battery charger for my camera.

from china. yes. china.

he insisted on ordering from ebay and assured me it would arrive in 7 days.

we'll see.

love you

Happy Valentine's Day!

xoxo

when i told my brother i didn't make one card this year

he said "that doesn't sound like you"

and he's right.

the thing is...i tried.

but sitting in a hard chair, or bent over on the floor, cutting and pasting tiny things...is not really fun for a pregnant lady who gets contractions easily.

and yet, Valentine's day happened without my cards.

without much preparation either

because love is very abundant in my life.

i felt loved.

i loved.

and i wish you love as well.

(if you need any love just stop by my studio and i promise you tiny hugs that will warm the numbest heart on the coldest of days)

RN

Reu passed his nursing boards!!!

it's been quite the journey...and finally this door is open.

(and yes it is green for a reason)

oh happy night!

to do

i think i only have one photo of me this pregnancy.
shameful i know.

so to do today:
find the charger for my camera battery...
so i can take a picture of my 32 week old belly.

and it would be super duper nice to find that gift card
to red lobster from my brother.
i'm craving king crab legs with melted butter and fresh lemon.

for my girls

because every day this is what i try to be about
for all the girls that enter my studio
especially for my daughters.
write your life my darling Lynzee...with beautiful movement
Emi, my fire, shine your inner light. and when you feel it has dimmed
remember...there is part of me in you. and we are fierce.

and i love you this much.

and my dear Ruby...tumbling in my womb...this is what it is all about.

so not fair

my legs were attacked last night...it was brutal.

there i was sleeping peacefully, which is no easy feat.
and then it happened
did you know the inside of your thigh can cramp up?
well it can.

and it's mean!
then my calf muscle joined in...right down to the arch of my foot.

and tell me...how do you stretch out all three of those muscles?
flex foot, straiten leg...and now what about this vicious inner thigh muscle?
that would require the splits.

so...that's how i slept all night.

my foot flexed up against the wall with a straight leg stretched up to my ear....all between my nightly hard contractions. so not fair. i'm trying to load up on water and salt today...so that never ever happens again.

i remember...

those first few magical weeks.

and this time...i know how fast it will go away

(emily...a few days old...or maybe a month...i can't remember some things)

i'm so excited.

even for the sleepless nights and the lung developing cries.

not so much the diapers...but that's ok.

and this time...i have my two side kicks that may be more excited than me.

emi is obsessed with becoming a good big sister.

lynz has suddenly started playing with her doll again.

we squeal together over tiny socks and ruffles of any sort.

it's hard to imagine the relationship i would have with these two girls

way back then...how did they grow up so fast?

(me with my babies back in april 2002)

a little tint please.

I told her all I see is bare black branches
scratching at a slate sky...and I used the alliteration on purpose.
She said...with all my creativity I should be able to see something different.
different?...hum...

so maybe these forbearing snow covered mountains
could be protective and stable?...not claustrophobic.

i'm not sure about that.
and perhaps the naked trees are beautiful shapes reaching for the sky.

i think they prefer less exposure personally.

and the sky

the white blank sheet of sky...can i see anything there?
it does make me want to paint with warm colors.

orange. turquoise. greens. and that lovely salmon color.

i think i need some sunglasses for some tint.

i'm trying. honest.

but really...january is such a survival month for me.
and i truly think we should all sleep with the leaves.
what was that wind yesterday too?

heavens that was unfriendly.

not so quick

after 4 hours in the hospital...
i'm wondering why my doctor could not do this simple test during our appointment
seems dr.j had the nifty little kit to check for fluid.
really? do i have to answer 500 questions and be admitted for this.

so the nurse admitting me asks the next question...
"do you learn better by verbal description or demonstration?"
and i'm thinking...hum...really?
do you ask this question to women when they are in labor?
hum...please demonstrate my delivery, go ahead.

are you going to demonstrate this internal exam for me?
yes, i would like to see my doctor demonstrate what this feels like...
what a splendid idea.
let's see if he is up for it.
oh...that's right, he didn't want to check at his office so let's send her over to labor and delivery for the 2 min. test. nevermind the protocol and hoops we must therefore jump thru.

and while i'm at it why don't i pour 2 tbs. of water down his pants
and he can tell me if that is adequate leakage to want to change.

so i'm waiting...and waiting...
the first test took a second, quick swab...doesn't turn blue. good to go.
great. i'm ready to go home.
oh but you can't!
there is this thing called discharging.
which means waiting for the doctor.
which doctor? i mean i have seven after all.
call down to the office, ask the one that sent me.
nope.
the one at the hospital...yes, the one delivering babies.
oh ok. i'll wait. and wait. and wait.
so we might as well do another test just to make sure.
good to go.
nope. a few hours later let's also do an expensive sonogram with a bratty lady who asks
"why are you here?"
she's irritated that it's after five and i'm obviously fine.
i'm thinking the same thing.

me and mr.thorpe are going to have a little talk in a few weeks.
that was a bit ridiculous.

my favorite part was the fact they have to monitor the baby the whole time...which is difficult with a 2 lb dolphin girl who won't stay still...after all, didn't i mention, i had to drink that glucose drink for the earlier appointment. so i'm sick to my stomach and the babies practicing her ninja skills...oh and "we're not sure if you can eat or drink anything." are you kidding!

checking in

it's past midnight...of course...

and i hop around checking in...

i've been thinking about cloth diapers like hays and wonder if i have any hippie in me or just that bit of gypsy that wanders. i wear leather bracelets so would that count? i should do a post about those magic jonny bracelets...but then you would all want one and it would stress me out.

dance begins tomorrow morning and i am excited and nervous.

i miss my little dancers and all their hugs.

i'm excited for them to see my belly because they will tell me it is huge.

(all the moms tell me i'm so small...and i get no sympathy for any discomfort.)

little girls are full of sympathy :)

i'm just a little nervous about these contractions that fill my days.

the doctor says it's fine.

this is my 5th pregnancy and 3rd child...braxton hicks can start early.

although i thought 21 weeks was pretty early for taking my breath away.

it's exhausting me and a bit frustrating because it slows me down.

i have a doctor appointment tomorrow too.

i'm worried i'm leaking.

promise...i know the difference and i'm not peeing my pants.

they will likely say i'm fine again...but what if...

what if the contractions are dilating me a bit and i am leaking?

i'm 28 weeks and i'm starting my 10 week countdown to the baby.

i'm fairly confident she will enter the world at 38 weeks like her sisters.

or sooner.

but we shall see.

we went shopping for her...

she has hot pink newborn jammies with panda bear footsies that scream

"my big sister is emi"

and she has the softest brightest polka-dot blankie with a lamb on it

that means "lynzee loves me"

i am still wondering how my girls found hot pink in the newborn isle.

this time is going to be so different.

i swear this little being inside of me recognizes the voices of her sisters.

their reading voices...and laughing silly voices...and yelling fighting voices too.

she moves for them.

like she's been watching and waiting to be with them.

i'm not sure that is possible at this point...but it's a sweet thought.

it's almost 1am.

bedtime.